Current Event Fiction: Mom Saves the Day

This week I wrote a story loosely based on the below news story:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2285029/Hero-mother-pushed-husband-42-years-safety-struck-killed-drunken-driver.html

It was a brown and translucent all at the same time. It was breakfast stained glass. It was neglected pancakes. Cody pushed down on them with his fork, evaluating the quantity of his meal. I had three pancakes. I ate half of two and ¾ of the third pancake. How many pancakes did I eat?

“Are you really already that full?”

Cody looked took his attention away from his personal math word problem. He did not even realize that his mother had left the table and was now distantly at the sink.  He found it odd that her voice sounded the same from significant distances, that she, despite facing the backsplash of the kitchen, knew that he was loitering at the table.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean no rush…its Saturday.” He stared blankly down at his bare feet through the glass of the table. It was time to cut his toenails. He wished that he did not already have hair on his big toe.

“Your Brother will be back from band practice soon. Can you guys tag team the backyard until your Dad and I get back from our walk?”

“You say ‘band practice’ like its cool. Its MARCHING BAND!”

“Marching band is cool.” She emphasized the word cool like she even had to convince herself. Cody gave up on his breakfast and stood up to scrap the remains into the trash.

“What do you mean tag team the yard?”

“Like one of you rakes while the other one bags. Like, I said, your Dad and I just have to go a quick walk. We will be back to help with the weeds and stuff after. You are not going over to Mike’s until 3 or so anyway.”

“You don’t HAVE TO go on a walk.” Cody was exasperated by routine, probably why he disliked school. Every Saturday morning, if both his parents were in town and around, they walked, six to twelve blocks, once, sometimes twice. If they had screamed themselves to sleep the night before, they still walked.  If Dad came home at 4 am Saturday morning, she woke him up after breakfast for a walk.  If it was hailing, they walked. If it was snowing, they walked. If it was raining down frogs, they walked. 

She looked up from wiping the fake, more economical formica “marble” counter top. “Yes, Cody, we do.”

***

Dean had been awake for hours, unable to move despite his incredible thirst.  He had been listening to his wife and teenage son in the kitchen but was unable to decipher any words. Even the muffled tones were causing him a dull anxiety.  The pillow was like warm cement, encircling his throbbing head and asking it to say there forever. He tried hard to remember what time he fell asleep.  She had kept him up. He knew they were fighting again, probably about his drinking again, about not going to enough of the boys’ high school events.  High School. He had hated high school. Yes that was it. They fought about how he hated high school and how could he ever be expected to go back to place he hated so much. Fuck was that it? Really? Dean you fucking pussy. Oh boo hoo no one liked you in high school except your wife…get over it, your 51 years old! Dean looked around the room, hoping that he would not have to go far for a bottle of ibuprofen. He pushed the covers down with his feet to reveal a glass of water perched atop the dresser, a mere few feet away. Step one, sit up. Step two, stand up. Step three, move away from the bed. The carpet, though now a far cry from the comforting cream color it once was, was still soft upon his dry heels.

He was halfway through step three when he stopped and saw himself in the full length mirror across from the closet. His boxers were discombobulated, his stomach was bloated and his beard wanted maintenance.  He started over to it for a closer inspection at the damage he would have to remedy, when the door creaked open and she poked her head in.

“You almost ready?”

“What time is it?”

“Almost 11.”

“Okay.” He said.  She lingered a few moments before closing the door more forcefully than usual.

She hates me now. More than ever. I know it. I love her.

***

Lance walked through the door at half past 11 and dropped his trumpet case on the pile of shoes at the front door.  He then proceeded to take his shoes off and throw them on top of his trumpet case. In the fevered rush to disrobe his feet, his socks were left half on giving his feet the illusion that they were bigger than they actually were. He rushed into the kitchen, his socks becoming a liability combined with his speed and the tile floor. He stumbled slightly as he caught the side of the counter of the island. He saw his brother in the living room playing on his Dad’s iPad. 

“Did dad say it was okay to use that? I thought you were not allowed to use the internet for a week!”

“Who cares?” Cody replied snidely.  “They are out on their stupid walk and I need to check my email.  Mom forgets that like, we use computers in high school now, not like, macrofishes or whatever that bullshit was.”

“What was for breakfast?” Lance asked sheepishly.  They were both in high school now.  Cody would only talk to him when no one was looking because he was a freshman and Cody was a Junior. Though he enjoyed that he got to talk to his brother at home, Lance still avoided prolonging conversations that got his older brother upset.

“Pancakes. Hey we have to start raking the leaves or something soon.”

“Oh man! Really? I love Mom’s pancakes. Dammit! Stupid band practice.”

“You know if you were in a real band you would not have to get up at 7 am on a Saturday, and if you were going to get up at 7 am on a Saturday it should be because you were, like, up all night Friday getting wasted and getting with band sluts.”

“Shut up Cody! Marching band is way harder than being in garage band or whatever musical atrocity Mike thinks he is a part of!”

Cody looked up from the iPad.  “Whatever, you’re hopeless. Let’s just go move some leaves around so it at least looks like we are doing something.

***

The streets and lawns of the neighborhood were saturated in the oddest of fallen leaves, deep pinks, bright reds and vibrant yellows. It was almost too bright for Dean to handle. His focus was elsewhere, on the strange sensations in his stomach and strangely, how quiet she was being, staring off across the street at what seemed to be nothing in particular.

“You are pretty quiet this morning.” He noted finally.

“I was just thinking about something I watched last night on TV after you feel asleep.”

“Okay. What was it?”

“And I was also thinking about all the times you have just, like, vanished for days and I never hear from you.  How all I can think about is who you might be with, or if you are hurt, or really just drunk wearing the same outfit.”

“C’mon Baby, I told you a million times, I-“

“No please let me finish this is important. I need to talk this out.” Out of nervousness she took out her messy Saturday morning ponytail and let her red hair fall around her shoulder briefly before gathering it up again and re-doing it. “There was a show on PBS last night about Indonesian elephants. It was pretty much just like any regular nature show you would see on Natgeo or something. Anyway, these elephants, the local towns and villages were getting increasingly frustrated with them because they would come into their houses, breaking doors and windows to get at food.”

“Like a bear.”

“Yeah pretty much. Anyway, these conservationists found out a way to find out which elephants were the offenders by following them, sedating them then putting a GPS collar on them to track their movements at night. Once they found out which one it was, they sedated him again, put him in a truck and drove him a few hundred miles away and released him somewhere else away from his home territory. Using the GPS tracing system, they discovered that as soon as they dropped him off, he started right back  the other direction, back to his home.  He would not even question where he was, he just knew he needed to go back.”

“Um ,okay.”

“I just found it interesting, his basic instinct to run home as soon as he was lost or away from it.”

“What I am like the elephant. I never forget?” He chuckled at his own lame joke, everything seemed funny on a few hours of sleep to him.

“Don’t be fucking cheeky.” She let out a deep sigh.  “You are like the elephant, because you will always come home, you can’ resist the comfort of home, of me, of the kids. The difference is the elephant never wanted to leave in the first place.”

Dean looked hard onto his wife’s glassy eyes. Her face was tired and beautiful all at the same time. His heart sank into the middle of his chest. She was about to speak when they both heard a loud bang from behind. They both turned around to see a navy blue minivan plowing down the sidewalk, it had just hit a trash can and was moving fast.  Dean felt the immense pressure of two hands on his chest and then he was on the ground, looking up at the clear sky. He heard tires screech. His head was now pounding and his elbows were radiating and tingling from bracing his fall. He looked up to see that the van had some to rest, put to a stop by parked car in a driveway. He could not see her, she was not standing anywhere.

***

Lance surveyed the yard. He was pleasantly surprised that rather than just fake clean up the lawn like they had planned, that they actually only had a small section left to rake.  The grass was still mostly green despite the lack of rainfall and human attention. A few large patches of yellow were the only evidence. He looked over to see that they had filled four bags.

Cody threw down the rake. “I need at break! Not to mention I can’t believe that we did  put all those is a giant pile first so we could jump into them old school style! Jesus who are we anymore!”

Lance laughed at his brothers theatrics.  “But we are so close! C’mon we can show Mom and Dad that we are not completely worthless all the time.”

Cody pushed through Lance’s shoulder as he started for the patio furniture. “Who cares, we will get to it. You can finish if you want but I am sitting down.”

Lance rubbed his shoulder check area feeling slightly defeated. Of course he had to ruin it right at the last second.

“Hey, what time is it? They have been gone a pretty long time.”

“Who knows, it is pretty nice out, maybe they just took a long walk today.”

“You are on your phone right now texting and you can’t even tell me what time it is?”

Cody was about to retort when they heard the front door slam and saw their dad scurrying toward them. He stopped at the door, elbows bloodied, face sweaty and breathing as if he had just sprinted for gold at the Olympics.

“Dad what’s wrong?” Lance asked.

Dean was frozen, his shaking body framed by the portal to the outside. He looked back and forth at this children as he slowly went from standing to sitting, like he was being melted by the sun.

“Dad? Where is Mom?” Cody asked now with more urgency.

Dean began to sob and run his hands back and forth across the top of his head as if he was willing the words out of this brain with the friction of his fingers and palms. Through snot and tears , “She….she pushed me out of the way.”

Cha-cha changin'!!!!!! Coming Soon: Current Event Fiction

Hey everyone who at one point read my blog until I hit some of that writers block/work sucks I'm too busy shit. I have decided that this is the time to just give this the old collage try again and will be re-vamping the format a bit.

Every week I will be posting a short story that will be loosely based on that weeks either most interesting or popular news story. It will be a modern modern retelling since technically it JUST HAPPENED.  I played with this idea awhile back when I wrote a story based on the rare small bunny that was killed at his own press conference ( http://now.msn.com/rare-bunny-stepped-on-killed-at-his-own-press-conference). The best ideas and creative efforts often come from real life, this is apparently so in the form of Hollywood glad-handing as  most best pictures nominees and winners are based on true life events.  I'm trying a new spin. To get you started, below is "A Rare Event" based on the bunny. It is a bit long at 11 pages.  The new ones will be much shorter, 5 and under.

I will be back next week with a new story and the posted link to the original news story that the short story is based off of. Feel free to leave creative feedback or any suggestions for a news story you would like to see re-imagined! Enjoy! -HZ

The Cameraman

            Everything seems very off at 5 a.m. In many ways it seems quieter than any other time of morning, or night, supposing on the circumstances of one’s job.

            Danny’s job involved a lot of 5 a.m. mornings; he was used to the distant trains waking him up five minutes before this alarm went off, the still feeling in his bedroom, the glowing red numbers of his alarm clock glaring at him from across the room.

            It was Saturday and Danny was on assignment that day. All he knew about the event he would be shooting was that it was at the zoo and that its start time afforded him a wake-up call of 7 a.m. instead of 5 a.m. It was practically sleeping in.

            Danny still woke at 5 a.m., a combination of two facts; he had forgotten to reset his automatic coffee maker, a present to himself on his 30^th birthday, it filled his small one bedroom apartment with warm vanilla and espresso flavors that he associated with standing, and holding and sipping. The other thought was who would be the reporter he was teamed up with that day.

            WRFP was currently number 3 in the local ratings, something Danny chalked up to a lack of focus on the stuff people really wanted to see, crime and violence. Rather WRFP devoted copious time to fluff pieces. It amused Danny to see the reporters remain loquacious at events that would barely solicit interest from a sloth, hence his zoo assignment. Danny figured it would have something to do with a new animal. He suspected Heather, Brian, Natalie, Marcus, or the other weekend reporter Shawnie would be stuck wondering through the crowd of moist, sticky faced kids, overweight moms, and disenchanted dads. They would be forced to ask them all how excited they were, while Danny lugged his camera around trying not to hit any of the kids in the face with the huge lens. He would also try not to get mad at an ass hole “waver” pre-teen who would no doubt ruin his shot by standing in the background, getting a hard on from being on the number 3 ranked local news for 3 seconds. But wavers were always inevitable, and sometimes encouraged at sporting events. One time Danny had a waver at the candlelight vigil of some teen shot down in gang violence situation, he was disgusted.

            Rather than attempt to go back to sleep, Danny decided to slow down his normal morning routine, have that extra cup of coffee, have the warm water of his shower run against his back  a little longer, even read the real news, the world news. As he finished his second cup of coffee, he hoped that Natalie would be reporting today, though he would not know until he arrived at the station.

            “Hey there Dan-ster!”

            “Fuck”, he thought, “of course it had to be Marcus.”

            “Hey Marcus.” Danny spoke flatly as to counteract Marcus fake and overzealous attitude. Marcus never knew how to turn if off when the cameras were not rolling and it drove Danny crazy. Danny was looking down at the van assignment clipboard, they were to be in one of the nicer ones today. At least something was looking up.

            “Today should be short and sweet, ma man. I highly doubt this bunny will draw that much of a crowd.”

            “Bunny?”

            “Yeah, it’s some small rare bunny, it does not have any ears so it kinda looks like a gerbil or something, but I’m guessing a little cutter, otherwise who would give a shit right?”

            “Yeah, I guess.”

            “Let’s roll, I’m ready when you are.”

            “Let's get this over with.”

The Child

            Regan was awake early. She heard her mom in the kitchen talking to her dad, but could not make out what they were saying, but she knew she smelled bacon and was hungry. But first she had business to attend to.

            All of her stuffed animals were horribly out of order and in disarray on her bed. She knew it was her fault, that she moved a lot in her sleep and it was she who often kicked Coco, her teddy bear off the bed. Or accidently group together the cat, Boots, and the dog, Fred, who were not very good friends in what looked like a friendly embrace.

            “You two stop it!” She whispered and she moved Boots to the other side of the stuffed animal line, setting him next to another bear named Pockets who wore a plaid vest. She continued to whisper as she addressed her friends so her Mom would not know that she was up. She turned he head to the door when she heard it open.

            “Look who is up!”

            “Hi Mom.”

            “Your Dad is cooking breakfast, you hungry?”

            “Um, yeah I think so.”

            “Who is coming to breakfast with you today?”

            Regan scanned her line of stuffed animals. She wanted to treat them all with equal attention, so when she saw Horsey starring up at her, she knew it was his turn.

            At the table Regan poked at her scrambled eggs. She had asked for more bacon and was told no, she needed to eat the other food on her plate first.

            Her Dad had been busy reading the paper when he looked over the top and spoke nonchalantly.

            “You know Regan, your Mom and I have a surprise for you today.”

             “What is it!”

            “I’ll show you.” Regan had not noticed but her Dad had been hiding something behind his wide open paper. He lifted it over the top and to Regan’s most delighted surprise, it was a small stuffed rabbit like the one she had seen on candy labels at the store lately. She snatched it quick and brought it close to her face to feel the soft fur and to smell the slightly perfumed head.

            “What do you say?”

            “Thank you! I love him!”

            “So it’s a him, huh?”

            “Yeah, Hoppy.”

            “That’s a good name. Well that’s not all, you know what else we are going to do today?”

            Regan shook her head no, still holding the rabbit close to her face.

            “We are going to go to the zoo. There is new bunny there, kinda like Hoppy, except this one does not have long ears like a normal bunny.”

            “Really, he probably does not look like a bunny then.”

            “I’m sure he has other features that make him look like a bunny. His body will still be the same, he will still have whiskers and the face of a bunny.” Regan looked skeptical, but a trip to the zoo was a trip to the zoo. She lowered her new addition from her face.”

            “When do we get to go?”

The Handler

            Nina scanned the audience space from the flimsily put together stage. “Folding chairs on a grassy knoll, typical.” She thought.

            The day was perfect in many respects, there were a few clouds in the sky with a slight breeze, shifting the temperature to comfortably warm to slightly chilled ever so often. She heard the unmistakable sounds of a peacock and was surprised to see one weaving its way through the chairs.

            “Julie!” Nina called out concerned. Within moments a small, slightly plump girl in khaki shorts and an olive green polo came bounding up to her.

            “Everything okay Ms. Whitney?”

            “Is that peacock, out? Or loose or something?”

            “Yeah, well no, we have a few of them, they have an “open exhibit.”

            “Well can we keep them in a “closed” exhibit for the event? If one of those birds eats Olly this zoo will be in some serious shit, okay?”

            “Not a problem, Ms. Whitney.”

            Julie was zoo liaison to Nina Whitney, the handler of Olly. Some of the other zoo staff preferred to think of Nina as the Bunny’s agent or PR, that Nina’s attitude exuded everything but “animal handler.” Before Julie had a chance to run off to fix the peacock situation, Nina stopped her.

            “You made sure to keep his cage half in the sun and half in the shade right?”

            “Yes Ms. Whitney.”

            “Great. Tee minus two hours. Do you know when the press is getting here?”

            “Sorry, could not tell you. When we had the African Penguins here one year, some showed up early, some just with the other people.” Julie was pleased to get the honor of essentially being Ms. Whitney’s assistant for the day, but her questions were starting to nag.

            “Thanks anyway Julie, I’ll see you in a bit.”

            Nina Whitney had come a long way since assisting Hank Dooley, the man known for bringing exotic or unique animals to late night and day time talk shows. He helped her understand animals in show business versus animals in the wild, how their roles are more than just to exist in nature and be a part of a greater picture there, but to influence humans in their daily lives as well.

            Nina came to terms that this was no San Diego Zoo, and that she would just have to accept the mediocrity that came with towns with populations under 15,000. If anything she was pleased that the town was able to have Olly in their zoo for two weeks, that his petite face and sweet demeanor could and would, bring joy to the joyless.

Olly

            Olly was alert. His black eyes wide as people shuffled back and forth and all around his cage in preparation for his big reveal. His pale brown fur speckled with patches of black had been brushed earlier and was now slightly puffier than normal. A great deal of straw had been taken out of his cage to ensure none of it would stick to his freshly groomed fur.

            Nina approached the cage, her forehead shiny from the stress of the day. She crouched down to become eye level with Olly.

            “Hey little guy! How ya doin’ in there? Ready for your big day!?” Nina opened up the cage and gently picked Olly up by the scruff of his tiny neck and set him in her left palm, he fit perfectly. As she gently pet him his little black eyes squinted in pleasure, as Nina was the closest thing to a Mom Olly had. His true owner was somewhere in Austria, too busy scouting other new and interesting animals to add to his collection. More animals to take away from their mothers, all to be loaned out to zoos all across America and Europe.

            “Okay, you! Back you go. We will see you later!” Nina put her band back in the cage so Olly could hop off her hand. He made his way over to his water bottle and lapped at the drip with fervor, like an athlete about to embark on a long marathon knowing that hydration was key to a long day.

The Child

            Regan knew that they should have been earlier. At seven years old, she was already exhibiting crowd and punctuality anxiety.

            “We are never gonna get a good seat!” She protested to her Dad, binoculars flopping against his chest gently as he walked. He was holding Regan’s hand, her other occupied by Hoppy.

            “Stop that, we are plenty early Regan. Even if we don’t get a good seat, Dad brought the binoculars.”

            Regan looked around at all the other kids. There were strollers getting pushed, balloons twisted into crowns atop the heads of boys and girls sitting on their father’s shoulders, a faint smell of wet grass lingered in the air, as did a variety of snacks; popcorn, caramel apples and corn dogs. It smelled like the Fourth of July on a farm.

            As they neared the seating area Regan jumped as she walked so she could get a better look at the stage. There were some tall plants adorning each side of the stage, the back drop was of a metal mesh so that the abundant foliage behind it gave the sense the stage was almost a cage all on its own. Regan saw a camera, and a man with a microphone talking to lady with short red hair.

            “ I want to see the bunny!” She said again in hopes of urging her parents to walk faster.

            “It’s not yet noon. We have time now calm down okay?” Her Mom said slightly exasperated. Regan held her Dad’s hand a little tighter as she was beginning to feel that he would be the nicer one today.

            They sat beside an old couple who did not have any children with them. They both had oversized sunglasses and large binoculars around their necks. The man wore a hat that sat atop his head rather than actually be on it and the women an oversized men’s fishing hat with a large brim. Regan’s Mom sat her down between herself and the couple. Regan was slightly disappointed that Hoppy did not get a seat for himself.

            “Are you excited to see Olly?” The old man leaned over to speak to Regan. At first she was scared. She was told not to talk to strangers but the man had a big smile and her parents were right next to her.

            She nodded yes, then asked, “Who is Olly?”

            “Why that is the name of the Bunny! All the way from Austria!”

            “Where is that?”

            “Across the Ocean, very far away from here. He is a very special ya know?”

            “Cause he does not have any ears?”

            “That’s part of it.”

            Regan looked around again. All the aluminum gray folding chairs were almost full. She heard other kids asking their moms and dads similar questions about the bunny, mostly about when they would get to see him. Regan decided she did not want to be like the other kids, and refrained from asking her Dad again, despite the nervous anticipation feeling in her stomach.

The Cameraman

            All Danny could smell was animal shit. He and Marcus had spent the first hour at the zoo interviewing people, asking questions so blatantly obvious it made Danny want to strangle himself with Marcus’s obnoxiously purple tie.

            “So what brings you here today to see Olly?” Marcus was squatting down to get the opinion of a 4 year boy with wild curly hair and a red popsicle stain ring around his mouth, which meant that Danny had to squat too, heavy equipment and all. To Danny, children’s events meant strength building in the quads and calves.

            “Umm…cause he is different.”

            “Different huh? You like different types of animals?

            “Yeah.”

            “What’s your favorite type of animal?”

            “Ummm…a tiger.”

            “Not a bunny?”

            “ I like them too.”

            The interview ended shortly after that. Kids’ answers in interviews were always unpredictable, just like the wavers. Marcus motioned for Danny to follow him to the stage to get the “behind the scenes” shot.

            “I got us a quick interview with the handler.”

            “Then we are done?” Danny said hopefully.

            “I was thinking it would be good to get a few shots of the kids’ reactions when the bunny comes out. I think it will round out the piece nicely.

            “Marcus this is like a two minute segment!’

            “ I gotta do my wrap up Danny. Besides, are you not the least bit curious to see a tiny bunny with no ears?”

            Marcus, its Saturday. I’m a 33 year old man. I have a long list of other things I would rather be doing today.” Danny noticed that Marcus did not really even listen to his response anyway for he was approaching a  women with short red hair. The two of them shook hands and once again Marcus motioned for Danny to join him. It annoyed Danny, as all the other reporters just trusted that Danny would be there for the shot. It seemed to Danny that Marcus obviously liked showing people that the cameramen and camerawomen of  WRFP were below him.

            “Danny this is Nina Whitney, Olly’s handler.” Marcus stepped aside so that the two could shake hands.

            “Pleased to meet you Ms. Whitney.” Danny thought Nina quite pretty. Her hair was cropped around her face, showcasing its heart shape. She had light brown eyes that completed her complexion and a subtle smile that came out as they shook hands.

            “Nina, please.”

            “Nina,” Marcus stared in with his shtick, “So I’m just going to ask you a few quick questions about Olly, maybe get a shot of him hopping around for all the folks that can’t be here today?

            Nina hesitated a moment and Danny could tell she seemed slightly put off by the request. After a long pause, Nina looked up to Danny and said yes, even though she should have directed her answer at Marcus.

The Handler

            Nina felt a little flustered after shaking hands with the cameraman named Danny. He had the stature and build, the permanent 5 O’ clock shadow she liked on a man. She had been focusing exclusively on work for the past year and at that moment, a thought of having some fun with this cameraman while she was in town for two weeks excited her, all assuming he was single and felt the same attraction toward her.  The morality switch in her head instantly put the thought off as she was too stressed about the event to even focus on flirting. Her thoughts returned to Olly.

            “And three, two, one!” Nina’s stomach pulled itself as Danny counted down the time until the cameras would roll. She was used to cameras, but today was different.

            “ Were here with Nina Whitney, Olly’s handler and former assistant to Hank Dooley, famed nature show host and exotic animal expert. Nina, what can you tell us about Olly’s unique appearance?”

            “Olly is a actually not a different species of rabbit. His ear-lessness is the result of a genetic mutation in the womb. All of Olly’s brothers and sisters were born with ears. It’s just very rare that this type of thing happens. I don’t know the exact numbers but it does not happen very often.”

            “And how old is Olly?”

            “He is about 4 months old so he’s still a baby.”

            “His small size is probably one of the big draws for people here today. Will he get any bigger?”

            “His Mom was not very big so I anticipate, not much more than he is now. He sits in the palm of your hand perfectly.”

            “How many more stops does Olly have on his tour?”

            “We have a few more here in the States, then a few back in Europe.”

            “All right that’s good, I think we got it!” Marcus said to Danny who lowered his camera. Nina never even saw him hit a switch to turn it off but assumed it was hidden somewhere.

            “Really? That’s all you need?”

            “Well now we have to get some footage of the star of the hour!”

Olly

            Olly had shuffled as much of the hay as he could in his cage into the corner to make a comfortable place to nap in. His eyes were shut tight, the only movement came from the twitching of his nose.

            Nina approached the cage and unlatched the door. She gently picked up Olly who was now awake from the sensation of being lifted from his makeshift bed. She picked the hay out of fur then gave him a few pets. Marcus and Danny also approached him and used their pointer finger to stroke Olly’s head and back.

            “He is pretty cute after all I guess.” Danny remarked.

            “How could you not find this guy cute!” Marcus was sounding more and more like a game show host as the day wore on.

            “Here, you can get some footage of him hopping.” Nina crouched down and set Olly on the floor.

            Danny readied his camera.

            Olly more slid off than hopped off Nina’s hand. He stayed still, his eyes now wide open and his nose twitching more furiously than it had been earlier during his slumber. He took a small apprehensive hop forward. Danny had to crouch again, even lower than before to get the shot. Olly took another, then anther. With each small hop his direction changed toward the direction of Danny who had to back up. He was on his haunches in an almost bizarre crab walk, slowly creeping backward as Olly hopped toward him. Danny, unable to focus on what was behind him, hit a table, and lost his balance. He had one eye to focus on where his knee and free hand would fall to catch himself, but it was too late. He came down on both knees hard, almost dropping the camera to the floor, but feeling something under his right knee, something that was now feeling a little moist. He knew.

            He heard Nina shutter in horror, then scream, “Oh my god Olly!”

The Child

            Regan had been waiting patiently. Her Dad had gone to get her a corndog and her Mom was one her phone, squinting at the screen. The old man next to her was occasionally asking her random questions about what kids her age were learning in school and what her favorite animal at the zoo was. Regan was talking about the monkeys when she heard parts of the crowd start to talk a lot louder than they had before. Even the old man diverted his attention upward and even stood to get a better look at what was happening. Regan looked to her Mom who had since put her phone away.

            “Mommy what’s happening?”

            “I’m not sure sweetie, just hold on a sec okay?” Regan’s Mom stood and put her hand over her brow to better shield out the sun and find her husband. She spotted him half way up the aisle, wrangling three corndogs and a large soda. His face looked concerned. He slowly made his way through across peoples’ legs and went to whisper in his wife’s ear.

            Regan looked up intently, upset that no one was telling her anything. She hated adult secrets. After her Dad finished, her Mom put her hand to her mouth.

            “Are you serious?” She almost whispered. He nodded his head and the old man joined in.

            “You find out what is going on?”

            “Yeah.” He handed the food off to his wife and sat down next to Regan, ignoring the old man who he knew would have no problem dealing with the circumstances of what has just happened. “Sweetheart, the bunny is not going to be here today.”

            Regan felt instant disappointment and could sense the tears welling up in her eyes. “But why?”

            “Well, he was just so special and rare that he--” He was struggling. Even though this was not on par with explaining the loss of a family pet, he knew his daughter’s affections for animals ran deep and that a public meltdown was inevitable. He looked over at his wife briefly who was already getting their stuff ready for departure. “He had to go where he was more needed.”

            Regan looked up confused.

            “Randy, just tell her the truth.” His wife said through gritted teeth.

            “What?” Regan pleaded.

            “We will talk about when he get home, okay sweetheart? We will even get an ice cream on the way back okay?”

            “But I want to stay here!”

            “C’mon Regan, your Dad said it was time to go so let’s go.”

            Regan began to sob out of disappointment, confusion and sadness. Her Dad picked her up so she would not have to be drug out of the zoo, sobbing and flailing in a tantrum.

            As the three of them made their way back toward the entrance, Regan could see through the cloudiness of her tears that she was not the only kid crying at the zoo that day. She gripped onto Hoppy and sobbed into her Dad’s shirt.

The Handler

            Nina was relieved to finally get Olly in a little handkerchief and into a box. Her mascara had made its way under her eyes from crying. As she closed the lid to the box the same thought that had come into her head the second it happened re-emerged, “You should have never taken him out of that cage, never!” She felt guilty for wanting to help the news crew with their shot, guilty for thinking the cameraman would like her more if she let him get the footage. Though it had not been her knee that crushed poor Olly, she felt the full burden of his death throughout her body.

            “You were so special. I’m sorry.” She looked over at his empty cage and felt another tear fall down her cheek, which she wiped away quickly. Julie came up from behind her.

            “Ummm, Ms. Whitney, don’t worry about taking anything down. We got everything from here. You just focus on, well you know.”

            “Thanks Julie.” Nina said flatly.

            “I’m real sorry about the bunny.”

            “Me too, at least it was fast.”

The Cameraman

            Danny arrived home at eight after a very unpleasent meeting with the station manager, Kyle.

            Forced to stare at the blood spot on his knee that had since dried from the accident, the meeting became a horrible reminder of so many things; children’s tears, Nina’s tears, Marcus’ utter disbelief and now the screaming of Kyle.

            “You realize you may have just ruined the reputation of this station, right!?”

            “I don’t know what else to tell you Kyle, it was an accident!” Marcus was the one that wanted that footage anyway!”

            “Don’t shift the blame to Marcus, you’re the one with the blood on your hands here, or knee or whatever. You know right now there are other stations at that zoo covering the murder of that bunny at the hands of a WRFP cameraman!”

            “Like I said, I’m sorry I killed the bunny, I did not mean to.” Danny felt like shit for being an ass about the bunny all morning. Earlier when he was watching its dainty hop through the lens of his camera, a feeling of giddiness overtook him as did a smile to accompany it. He felt awful for destroying something so innocent.

            “You killed our weekend feature piece story!” Kyle looked at some arbitrary object on his desk. Danny looked out the window. All he wanted to do was leave and change his pants. The pause between them lasted for what seemed like hours.

            “Are you going to fire me?” Danny said impassively.

            “No. No Danny I’m not going to fire you. I am going to send you on a one week leave of absence until this blows over. If I know those pricks over at WKLP like I think I do, they will have one of their investigative rats in here wanting info and interviews and I want the guy responsible for the death of the earless bunny gone. Understand?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Be more careful next time. Sit in a chair for Christ sakes.”

            “Okay.”

            As soon as Danny walked through the door of his apartment, he took his pants off and threw them in the trash with disgust.

Olly

            Olly was in his cage again, but it was not in the same place. It was in a field and the cage was open. Olly moved to the opening apprehensively then paused.

            Tall grass, short grass, flowers and trees were all around. Olly heard a faint noise and moved his body in the direction it came from. It was like his own reflection but different. His brothers, sisters, his Mom were all there, moving about by a log covered in moss. A few small insects buzzed above them. Olly’s black eyes widened, his short legs tingled with excitement.

             Olly hopped out of the cage. It disappeared behind him as he made his way to a small sea of ears.

Adventures in Bating (Bad Online Dating) Part 3

Well gang, it has been real but it’s time for the third and final installment in Bating. It is now March, I am leaving the past two months behind me, perhaps a little wiser, but more than anything I am perplexed.

When I was 14 or 15, my friends and I would walk down the street to 711 for some snacks. I would say that 4 out of 5 times we did this we were always honked at my some filthy 1984 Ford filled with middle aged landscapers. REALLY? First of we are 14, have fun in prison you creepy rapist, and two, do you really think that is how you get women to drop their panties? If the best way to get a date or get laid was honking at women from the side of road then there would not be online dating. In fact, movie and restaurant revenues would drop cause who needs to take a girl out when the key to their hearts is the sound “la cucaracha” from a low-rider El Camino?

Why do I tell this little anecdote? Because that same disgusted feeling I got from being vehicular harassed at 14 I get when I go to check my Match.com messages and it’s all 40+ year olds with molester mustaches asking me if I would be interested in going for an older man.  Listen you pathetic shitheads, if I was interested in guys my Dad’s age I would have stated so or I would probably be on another website that would require me to pay $2.99 a minute for hot greybeard fetish shit. Bleh…

ANYWAY…It’s March and I must admit I’m a little pessimistic now.  I roll back on my reaching out to potential matches as I have come to realize that apparently the type of guy I’m into is not into me (LUCKY ME!). Maybe I need to wear oversized glasses with no lenses and a gross polygamy bun on the top of my head. Apparently it’s an atrocity to look nice and curl your hair in Portland.

March: Part III

“International Week”

I have two dates with two different guys from two different countries of origin in one week.  I dub this week, International Week!

I go on a date with “Taj”. Taj is from India. He is very good looking but has fallen victim to an Axe Body Spray bath. Taj speaks English very well, but extremely fast and with a very thick accent.  I  have to admit I do a lot of smiling and nodding. We go out for a beer. He has not been in Portland very long and informs me of all the ways he is meeting people, through Match and through a group called “Meet-up.” I like that he is being pro-active but something is off. I agree to go on a second date with him, but when I offer to go out and do something he suggests a quiet night with a movie. I’m reluctant as I don’t typically invite people over to my apartment on a second date but I go with it. He brings over Riesling (ummm okay), all I have to watch is Human Centipede 2. He pees with the door open (ummmm oooookaaay) then as we are watching the movie he lays down on my couch then throws this legs over mine like we have been a couple for years (ummmmmmmmm wtf?) We have to change the movie because he can’t handle my obscure movie selection (NOTE TO READERS: Mouth to Anus Horror drives people away! Use it as on out on your next blind date!). At the end of the night I yawn really obnoxiously and over the top which is code for “get the fuck out.” My apartment reeked of Axe for days I swear!

I go on a date with “Fjord.” No he not a majestic snowy mountain in Norway but a super duper tall guy from Germany. I’m stoked because I get to wear my tall shoes. He is pretty hot from the pictures I see and I get all dolled up. When I see him the first time, I get really nervous which never happens and I just wanted to melt into a puddle of disgrace after I did really awesomely embarrassing first date things:

1)      I shook his hand (ARG! I think he was going in for a side hug and I SHOOK his hand! Great I just announced to the world that I am on a first date).

2)      I ask “Do you come here often?” (REALLY? I used an awful pick up line as a sentence? FML.)

Fjord informs me is getting over a cold and probably won’t stay long (Oh fucking great, he is also probably also gonna tell me he wants to move back to Alaska to body build or some shit). I think we have a nice time. He is interesting and kinda dreamy. I ask after our date if he wants to hang again, he says yes, but I can tell he is full of shit. The next week when I send the offer text, it is declined with “I think you are really funny but I did not feel that initial spark I was looking for.” This is code for, go join the clown academy fatty.” Trust me, I speak pretentious German.

As March draws to a close I realize that Match.com has an awful glitch. Every day you get an obscene amount of “daily matches.” Normally 1 out of 16 is worth contacting. The daily matches are made worse by the fact that the system matches you with people you have already interacted with. Thanks Match, I really wanted to be reminded that “that guy” did not work out, or that I totally ignored “that guy’s” texts. Why don’t you rub some shit in my face along with the uncomfortable reminders of online dating failure.

March 31^st hits. Match asks me 8 different ways if I’m sure that I am ready to leave. I can’t hit the “yes, cancel my subscription” button fast enough.  Here are the three main lessons I learned from online dating: 

1)      Whatever height a guy says he is, subtract 2-3 inches;

2)      Always make sure there is a super close up picture and a “current” full body picture of your date (if a man can’t tell if you just died your hair from blonde to black he does not know how to eyeball his own height/weight);

3)      No times out of 10 you will make it past the second date;

4)      If you are 5’11 or taller, your fucked, it’s a short girls market;

5)      Always  show up 5 minutes late (you don’t want to be the ass sitting by yourself looking like you just lost your cat).

In conclusion, I hope you all enjoyed Bating (Bad Online Dating). I hope you had as much fun reading them as I did writing them and if you are out there in the totally effed world of Bating yourself, I salute you.  For me, I’m off to Christian Mingle.com….ha ha yeah right. God speed ladies and gents.