That Planet is Totes Bumming Me Out!

And people say that Terrence Malick is self indulgent! People accused the director of pretty much making The Tree of Life so that he, personally, could explore what it meant to be a living thing on this planet…existentialism, family , blah blah blah. I quite enjoyed the Tree of Life but more so for the parts that focused on the family, the rest of the stuff (the dinosaurs, the pulsating nebulas) seemed out of place and not relevant (directly) to the meat of the story.

But this piece is not about Malick’s Tree of Life. It is about Lars Von Tier’s, Melancholia.  I only brought up Malick because when I was done watching Melancholia I had the exact same sentiments that people had about Malick at the end of the Tree of Life but for Lars Von Tier, that he is very self-indulgent. If you have ever sat through Tier’s Dogville, a three hour movie that is essentially a play without many props and sets, than you can understand why I would think this. Dogville, while very unique and creative, was still an experiment that needed to be half its run time to be truly exceptional. Though I was not the biggest fan of Tier’s Dogville, that does not mean that I did not like Melancholia. I enjoyed it very much, but it is not for everyone as are many of Tier’s films which are normally about 3 hours, slow, meandering, but also strangely satisfying. At the end of Melancholia you come to realize that every shot had a purpose but not in the way you expected it to.

For a small synopsis, the film is about two sisters and how each of them copes with the impending arrival of a planet called Melancholia. The sisters are Justine (Kirsten Dunst,(Welcome back!)) and Claire (Charlotte Gainsborough). The entire film takes place at the Mansion of Claire’s husband John (Kiefer Sutherland). Aside from the human conflict, there is conflict with the unknown force, specifically the planet melancholia and whether or not the planet will collide with Earth.

The film never switches locations which add to the uncomfortableness of all the characters are feeling, and let me tell you everyone is suffering in this movie, whether silently or blatantly. The film is very character driven and explores one theme in particular, the sickness that is melancholia juxtaposed with the “object” that is Melancholia. The color structure/cinematography of the film always seems to be playing with dim lighting but more so ramps up the blue hues the closer we get to the end/climax.

The film, part drama and part sci-fi, starts out like a sweeping epic from the 50’s put with more current, eccentric imagery. Many classic films started out with an orchestral overture, the point being to set the mood for the film, get a sense from the music what emotional events you the viewer are soon to be privy to. This occurs at the beginning of Melancholia as we are treated to a beautiful score accompanied by images that will not make sense to you until the end of the film, but once you understand it is very rewarding. In many ways the film felt like a classic film, but with longer shots, some of which may seem unnecessary but as I have mentioned are very critical to the film as a whole.

The film definitely put me in a “mood” after I watched it, one I could not quite put my finger on, but perhaps that was the point the whole time. At almost 2 ½ hours, it is a touch long, but totally worth it.

Channing Tatum is Funny?

Within the first 15 minutes of 21 Jump Street, Channing Tatum was dry humping a perpetrator he had just caught, and I loved it.

I will admit I used to hate on Channing Tatum. I joined the throngs of people who would look up and the screen puzzled and say “why is this guy famous again?” In retrospect, I now see that most of those comments derived from the fact that Tatum’s voice generally sounds meatheadish, and frankly he looks like a meathead and plays roles where the general casting description is probably “meathead.”  I feel like I can make my final judgment now on him seeing him in three different genres, Stop-Loss (Drama), Dear John (Romance) and now 21 Jump Street (Comedy) and I think I kinda like the guy. Granted he still needs to beef up his resume but I was excited to see him do comedy, something that I think he is very good at and should do more of. My main conclusion is that the guys acts well with  his face, he can emote like a mother fucker, but it is his mumbling that people cannot seem to get past and I think they should.

21 Jump Street was quite good. Rather than try to remake the original TV show, it was more homage to the idea that made the show what it was. In many ways there was a lot of high school movie clichés, like that fact that we always need to have prom be the final stand-off/resolution of conflict and  start off with the standard naming and showing of the cliques. I must note that hipsters have now been introduced with the likes of the nerd, jocks and goths, of which Tatum’s characters says, “I don’t know what they are.” Turns out they are now the popular kids, smart and decked out in Urban Outfitters and vintage, the hipsters are the ones ruling the school these days which leaves Tatum’s former jock persona out of sort and Jonah Hill’s former nerd character, in. It is this reversal of fortune which brings the giggles and also works at the buddy angle that the film uses quite nicely.

For a quick recap for those that do not know the plot, Hill and Tatum play two immature police rookies who get sent to 21 Jump Street where a Korean church holds the secret headquarters of Ice T and his undercover cadets who get sent out to local High Schools to bust up small time to big time drug rings. Shenanigans ensue, Korean Jesus jokes are made as are jabs at teachers and even a few cameos happen. All in all, good times.

Hill and Tatum have good chemistry and it was fun to watch. Originally high school “enemies” they become best friends during their stint in the police academy and the bond is tested hilariously throughout the film. 21 Jump Street does not seem as long as it is. At 1 hour and 50 minutes it does run much longer than your standard comedy (sans Funny People, WTF 2 ½ hrs?) but it is all worth it. At the end they definitely made potential for a sequel, and actually I don’t think I would mind one, mostly because I want to see Channing Tatum awkwardly dry hump people.

Behind the Velvet Merkin

 While I would like this particular post to sound all scholarly n’ shit, I am not writing my thesis, and this opinion is supplemented merely by my own personal knowledge of the history of “ladies of the night”.

Last night as I was out with some of the girls I mentioned that I was watching the first season of Games of Thrones. I had read the book as well as my friend, who made the comment that she thought that the show was “over-sexed.” This is often a common complaint I feel when it comes to shows on HBO and other networks of its kind. HBO, Showtime, etc. are not held to the ridiculous rating standards of the MMPA who think it’s more appropriate to have someone watch a bloody decapitation than an intimate love scene between a couple.

Bottom line it got me thinking of this phrase, “over-sexed”. Obviously my friend meant in her comment that gratuitous sex scenes took away from the main story line to try and win viewers with skin. I on the other hand went directly to the historical context. Game of Thrones is shot in essentially a medieval time period, where pretty much if you where a woman you didn’t have that many “job options.” I think sometimes people forget that your options for activities back in the day were fairly limited to work, reading (if you could), dancing around the maypole, hunting (if you could), and drinking (except the monks). This left ample time for sex. People were as faithful to their partners as Rush Limbaugh is sympathetic towards liberal politics.  Sex was and even previous to that time frame was and had been a big effen deal.  The Roman Empire was famous for its brothels, bath houses and prolific use of women as sex slaves. It was a business much like it is today but far more common and in a way respected. Selling women was on par with selling spices.  An example of oversexed Romans can be seen being executed very poorly in Caligula, do not czek this out unless you want waste 3 hours of your life watching Malcom McDowell sodomize someone with a Crisco fist.

Take another show from HBO not that far back in time, Deadwood (RIP!). One could argue that this show was also very over-sexed as the main location of the show was Al Swearengin’s whore house and some of the main characters prostitutes. The 1800’s saw a great deal of advancements for women, prostitution became more regulated and the job itself now carried more risks with the introduction of sexually transmitted diseases centuries earlier. But once again you need to look at the context of how it is being portrayed and whether or not it becomes gratuitous or necessary to complete the vision of re-crating a time period. A Wild West town, Deadwood South Dakota was filled with shady characters and prolific drinking. The circumstances and characteristics of this location are, I think, inherently prone to enjoy, embrace what have you, sex, free sex, sex you pay for, whatever.  Essentiality, If you want to make your “period” show believable you’re going to need to show some skin.

Oversexed is a more deserving term for modern movies. Comedies such as Super Bad, Road Trip, Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, (really any movie where the main characters goal is to get laid) exhibit the true qualities of what the phrase is about, people that are obsessed with obtaining it, not people that are already doing it.

In conclusion (yes, the most overused essay closer ever!), I think…..oh fuck this conclusion you already read what I wrote up there! You get the point! I have always wanted to say that at the end of a paper J

Snooki is Knocked Up So Let's Throw Down!

This week US Weekly broke the news that everybody’s favorite drunk midget, Snooki, is pregnant. In an even more bizarre state of events, most of Americans seems to be acknowledging this as “real news” rather than another link in the shit show chain of reality TV events that really are not that trivial. Remember that time that one guy who shot himself who was a husband of some rich women who was famous for being a bitch? Great me neither cause it’s not like it’s totally out of the ordinary for suicidal people to kill themselves or for drug addicts to go to rehab or a drunken person to talk shit or for sexually active people to have babies! Right? I decided to get behind the scenes of what it really means to be Snooki. I sat down for an exciting interview with everybody’s favorite hot mess of the boardwalk, Nicole “Snooki” Somereallyitaliansoundinglastname.

Me:  Ms. Snooki, thank you for being with us, I know it must have been hard to pull you away from that fishbowl AMF.

Snooki: I don’t do that no more. I’m really excited for this new chapter in my life.

Me: Yes, you have a baby on board. I know I, and America, have a few questions about that.

Snooki: That’s what I’m here for!

Me:  How to you except  to teach a child to talk when you somehow have a hard time speaking like anybody other than a 5 year old who just caught stealing cookies from the jar?

Snooki: Alls I know is that I was born this way and I’m proud of who I am and by fiancé Jionni’s loves me just the way I am.

Me:  Yes, your “fiancé” Jionni, can you give us a rough figure of how much he was paid to be your boyfriend? I’m sure the producers of your show had to fork out a pretty penny for someone to put up with your neediness.

Snooki: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Me:  (long pause, stares adamantly) Are you drunk right now? I mean, it’s okay if you are, we are very accepting here, we even had Newt Gingrich here once and he is a total tool, worse than your Jersey Shore roommates.

Snooki: I have found it very easy to stop drinking, I mean I had to cut back a lot for my diet, the one I was on before I was pregnant.

Me: You mean the coke and grapefruit diet?

Snooki: Like Coca Cola?

Me: Nevermind.

Snooki: Partying is behind me, I’m focusing on my new Show with Jaywow and my relationship with Jionni.

Me: You know your new show is going to me boring as hell if you’re not humping fake plants, getting arrested and falling down drunk talking shit about sand crabs all while getting punched in the face, right?

Snooki: Look, I know I gots fans, they love me no matter what I do and mes and Wow's show is gonna be different, nothing like the Shore.

Me: I noticed lately that you have traded in your signature “hair bump” for a more natural look.

Snooki: Yeah, it turns out teasing your hair is really bad for the baby.

Me: Um…and where did you read that?

Snooki: In this new book I gots, “What to the World Expects You to Do When you are Famous and Expecting” I heard Beyonce called it her bible when she was pregnant with Blue Ivy.

Me: Great you said that stupid babies name! Now I have to pay ten grand in royalties!  Thanks a lot Snooki.

Snooki:  What did I do?!

Me: Nevermind…do you have a name picked out?

Snooki: I was thinking something high fashion like, Juicy or Ed Hardy or maybe something classic Italian like Donatella or Caponiana

Me: I am already feeling sorry for this child.

Snooki: You know your kinda a bitch

Me: Does that mean you wanna pound some Patron and slap fight till I pull your extensions out?

Snooki: Peace out, I got publicity photos to take of me rubbing my belly all nurturing n’ shit.

Me: Thank you for your time, as I’m sure your time in the spotlight might me waning.