Duggers Expecting Child Number 20: China Outraged!

As the sun sets on the Dugger property child number 16 looks threw his window, then down at his fingers which are bleeding as a result of being forced to practice his guitar for the family band for 15 hours straight. “My dad says god loves my music and will smite me if I do not practice.”

Just another end of another day at the Dugger Household where it was announced earlier this week that the family is expecting their 20^th child. “I could not be happier,” said the proud mother, “Now we can move 3 kids from Laundry duty out the gravel mines to chip rock for our landscape remodel in the backyard. All this money we get from TLC has sure been a blessing.”

A blessing indeed, but not for all. Members of China’s Overpopulation Commission met as soon as the news as announced. CFP Ming Yung Tong made this statement earlier today at a press junket for the Organization.

“We once again shake our head at America. As many countries struggle with overpopulation and ways to feed those that cannot feed themselves we would like to send a message to the United States. For the love of fucking god please don’t give people who don’t believe in birth control television shows. I mean wasn’t the last one born with its heart outside its body?”

The Dugger’s 19^th child was born pre-mature and was in infant ICU for weeks before   it was released back to the Duggers who then immediately set the infant up with doggie poop pick up detail.

“Everyone needs to help out.” Says Dad as he shoves Kid #1 and Kid # 4 down into the basement to clean out black widow nests. As we turn the corner into the kitchen, Kid # 10 is hovered over the sink, hands red and puckered. “How long have you been doing this?” I ask.  As she turns her head she tearfully whispers to me. “Get out while you still can!”

When Mrs. Dugger was asked if she expects a boy or a girl she laughed as she replied, “I hope God just does not let this one slip out of my vagina too early and that has all her limbs intact..We  have a big attic remodel coming up and need all the  helping hands we can get.”

Why Gregory Peck? WHY!?!

For those of you that don’t know I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to certain actors and writers. The movie, Beloved Infidel (1959) combines two of my favorites, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Gregory Peck. This movie should be IT for me, my raison d’etre, but unfortunately after a viewing last night my heart sunk as Gregory Peck paraded around like a butt hurt 11 year old after dodge ball and Deborah Kerr sounded like the most stuffy 90 year old British nanny (I think my ears bled a little).  The film centers around Fitzgerald’s 3 year relationship with Hollywood gossip columnist Sheilah Graham (his death marked the end of their relationship). He carried on with Graham while Zelda was institutionalized and it was during this time that Fitzgerald was trying his hand at screen writing while attempting to finish his last novel. The film was based on a book by Graham who would later go on to write two more books about her relationship with Fitzgerald.  The following are my 2 main problems with a movie that I think needs to be remade without the constraints of 1960’s censorship.

1: There is a huge difference between portraying an alcoholic and someone who is “just drunk.” More often than not, alcoholics are high functioning (as was in Fitzgerald’s case).  When not in social situations (parties) they will try hard not to let on that they are totally shit faced. Fitzgerald was known for his socializing and drinking though I hardly think he would walking through an airport swinging around a bottle of tequila as was shown in the film. Peck played Fitzgerald as a drunk not an alcoholic. There are perfectly good examples of alcoholics on film from Leaving Las Vegas to The Lost Weekend, both of which (I think) showed an accurate version a man on the verge of collapse, something Fitzgerald was as he tried  to get his writing career back on track. The over the top drunken antics coupled by Kerr’s over the top reaction, “Oh Darling, No! Oh Darling, stop! Put the bottle down Scott!” was too much for me and I felt like I was wafting through a stinky Douglas Sirk reject.

2: Fitzgerald it 10x more interesting than Graham and should have been the main focus of the story. Yes I know the story was by her originally, but the only reason she was able to get it published in the first place is because her lover WAS Fitzgerald. Graham was the 3^rd and probably most lame member of the Hollywood gossip columnist trio that also contained Louella Parsons. The story focuses on how Fitzgerald helps her become a better writer rather than focus on both their faults and how, potentially, the combination of the two could result in a glorious fucking meltdown.  I wanted to see more struggle with Fitzgerald, particularly his ongoing depression over Zelda despite the fact that he is seeing Graham. I’m still enraged over the fact that the last part of The Last Tycoon was ghost written by one of Fitzgerald’s editors and I have a sneaking suspicion that Graham had something to do with it.

Over all I guess what I’m trying to say is I want a REAL Fitzgerald bio movie, not a bit part as was seen in Midnight in Paris or for another remake of The Great Gatsby, but an honest to god kick ass picture, hold the Sheila Graham.

Twice is Plenty

Well, it’s safe to say I was extremely unproductive this weekend mostly due to a little thing called, “day-drinking.” On the surface day drinking is awesome. Your beverage selection is tip top, Bloody Marys, Mimosa, Greyhounds, Various coffee/liquor concoctions. Day drinking says, “What? It’s the weekend, I do what I want sucka!” Those familiar with day drinking are also very familiar with the pre-mature hang-over. You get home, grab a bottle of water, and flop on the couch mumble something along the lines of “I feel like shit.” You look over at the clock and its 4pm. “What the? Four?”

This Saturday I went to The Farm House on 82^nd. Twice. Once for Brunch and once for Linner (please don’t mistake the frequency with as strong like for the food fare and environment). This was due to day filled with kickball spectatorship of which heckling would be necessary and Mimosas and Blight (Bud-Light) a steady accomplice. The Farm House is great for Brunch if you don’t want to wait in one of Portland’s re-fucking-diculous brunch lines. It’s got greasy good, stiff drinks and lots of other interesting  supporting characters playing video poker (by themselves), pool (by themselves) and/or an unnecessarily large version of some golf game(by themselves). There is a giant ceramic Jack Daniels statue by the fireplace that I once mistook for Teddy Roosevelt. Maybe they are brothers from another mother….

Brunch was standard fare of one biscuit (ahem, DINNER ROLL) and gravy with eggs and bacon. I was outraged to not receive my favorite morning beverage (Bloody Mary) in a pint glass but in one of those lame ass bucket glasses of which my waitress assured me was “almost the same amount of liquid.” I smiled and nodded but seriously…message to all bars in Portland...BLOODY MARY IN BUCKET GLASS= TOTAL, UTTER BULLSHIT TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE. Don’t act like it will get you in trouble either, if 90% of bars are doing it, it probably won’t get you in trouble though I think the Farm House’s main concern is giving up to much of the precious Monarch Vodka (gross).

After yelling at my friends all day and watching drunken kickball antics ensue it was back to the Farm House for more (and my car). This time around I treated my kidneys to the saltiest damn French dip sliders ever. When I got home I think I drank coconut water, vitamin water and two bottles of regular water and I was still thirsty. At least my hang over had passed on by 8pm and I was able to watch half of SNL. Thanks Saturday.

Drive Me Into That Sweet Hot Pink Credit Sequence

I finally fulfilled my movie theater dream last night and went to see Drive. It was everything I dreamed of. When the credits rolled I felt like I had truly had an experience. What is also funny is that I immediately thought what people who did not like the movie were probably thinking, “It was too slow! Why don’t we ever get to know his name? Why aren’t they talking more?” What those a-holes probably will never realize that those so-called “bummers” are inherent to the story as a whole.

In typical American short story fashion the movie ends unresolved. Occasionally this bothers me, but in this film it felt completely necessary,  as was the deliberately slow pace, and lack of information which added to the allure of Ryan Goslings character and even more so made you empathize with him when he had one of his moments of emotional breakthrough whether  that be happiness, rage or panic. Once again Ryan Gosling fucking knocks it out of the park. Everything he does is subtle and effortless. The man can do no wrong.

 Rich colors and shadows add to the tense moments. Director Refn utilized slow motion scenes in the film that were punctuated by 80’s synth. The marriage of the two gave those scenes a music video quality, and I say that as a good thing. Just as a music video (sometimes) attempts to make a song come alive so to speak, the music in Drive is its pulse, and it acts as a beautiful buffer to those moments where there is not a lot of dialogue.

The driving sequences and the killing scenes were also masterfully done. I will not give away who dies or how they die but I will say is that I’m so glad the Driver is remorseless. He has to be, otherwise those times when he shows his “softer side” would seem worthless and his character void of any depth.

I guess my only issue was Carrie Mulligan. Her character, Irene, was totally necessary but I did not buy her as that person. All I have to go off of is her performance in An Education, which was wonderful but here her attempt at mousy single(ish) mom needed to pop more in a movie; but one could also argue that she needed to be the beige anchor in the sea to make all the other fish stand out.

A lot of other reviews have said that Drive has noir quality to it and I completely agree. It has the standard elements, the girl that gets everyone in to trouble, the big bad guy, his henchmen and the sidekick to the hero who is just the right amount of quirky. The color added so much to the atmosphere of the film, but I have to admit that I am kinda interested in watching this film is black and white to see if it can hold up to the true characteristic of noir, and that is the noir.

Please go see Drive. But if you were one of those people who went to go see The Tree of Life just because it was “the new Brad Pitt movie,” stay at home and watch Big Momma’s House or some other idiotic crap. Drive is genius.

Nathan Fillion's Smirk Wins Again

I’m pretty sure when Nathan Fillion was handed the script for Castle he creamed his pants a little bit. Like Mathew McConaughey, the man has single handedly nailed down “that one character that kinda works in everything.” I re-watched Serenity last night, one of the few Sci-fi movies I actually enjoy. While snickering at his spot on one-liners, it dawned on me that this is the place( rather firefly) where Fillion perfected his “I’m kinda witty, devil may care, goofy yet slightly handsome” persona that he continued to mold in Slither, Waitress and now in Castle, a show I really want to try to watch but am somehow  severely put off by the overused cop/unlikely partner scenario. However, I am glad Fillion was able to find another TV vehicle after the cancellation of Firefly.

Just now I went to scope out his IMBD profile and the smirk on his face just melted my heart! Damn you Fillion why are you so damn likable! In fact he just upped his likability factor by apparently having a role in a revamp of Much Ado About Nothing. Fillion doing comedic Shakespeare? You’re  killing me Hollywood! Now I have to go see that because I have been entranced by Fillion’s smirk! Shit now I HAVE to watch Castle..shit maybe I’ll just go rent the first season. I’m worried though that this show’s main demographic are ladies over 50 whose other favorite TV fare includes Matlock, Murder She Wrote and Perry Mason…screw it I want to see Fillion and McConaughey in a smirk off..Fillion would totally win.

Fight Scenario:

McConaughey: “Screw you Fillion I do serious shit! I do period pieces and lawyer roles!”

Fillion: “BFD! You can’t even smirk in roles like that!

McConaughey: “Hell yes I can! Didn’t you see my sweet ass smirk in A Time to Kill?”

Fillion:” No I didn’t see that shit cause I was too busy being bas ass on the set of Firefly!”

McConaughey: “Well I make more money!”

Fillion: “Well I have longer arms and I don’t let photographers take pictures of me doing Tai Chi on the beach with my shirt off!”

McConaughey: “Well…um..you..

Fillion: “Five words, bitch…Highest…rated…Monday…night….show…

(Fillion smirks hard at McConaughey, McConaughey faints, Fillion victorious)

“Hallie Puts Foot in Kim Kardashian’s Brave Face in First Post-Divorce Public Appearance”

“I’m so sorry that you are going out and being forced to promote you crappy hand bag line!” screamed enraged anti-fan Hallie Zmroczek as she attacked the so-called reality star this Wednesday. The scuffle which broke outside of some important looking place caught Papparazzi and Kim K. fans off guard was just one of many obstacles the “star” would receive that day. A frightened onlooker painted a gruesome picture.

“Yeah this blonde just started yelling things like “get a real job” and “what the fuck are you famous for again?” I was kinda scared but I hate to admit that it’s kinda true.”

Hollywood is pretending to be surprised by the pairs split after only being married 70 something days and wasting tens of millions of dollars on what this reporter deems, “the tackiest god damn wedding I have ever seen in my life.”

Organizations like UNICEF are baffled that media organizations give more press to soul-sucking, brainless yahoos like Kim K. instead of focusing attention on,oh, I don’t know water that is contaminated by viruses and bacteria? Somewhere in Africa Angelina Jolie is throwing a shit fit over what financial analysts care calling, the biggest waste of money in history.

After the crazed anti-fan made her point she rallied the most level headed-people she could, picked up her bullhorn and said, “We are off to E! Studios to picket and demand the removal of Keeping up with the Kardashians from its programming schedule and to kidnap Joel McHale because he is hot!” (insert battle cry here)

Don't Quote Me

Since my brain has decided to function at a low level today I thought I would let other people do the talking.

Enjoy, as I did finding them...

“Tomorrow we may die, so let’s get drunk and make love!” –Lois Long, The New Yorker

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

–Ernest Hemingway

“Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”

-Ingrid Bergman

“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.”-Cary Grant

“Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.” –D.H. Lawrence

“By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.” –Oscar Wilde

“I think I don't regret a single 'excess' of my responsive youth - I only regret, in my chilled age, certain occasions and possibilities I didn't embrace.” –Henry James