Hallie Not Fooled By “Dreamy” Romney Boys

Its election year and with it comes a barrage of distasteful campaign commercials. But what has truly come as a shock to many is what Republican candidate hopeful Mitt Romney has done is order to sway the American people his way. I sat down with Mitt Romney to discuss his upcoming campaign strategy.

Me( In the style of James Lipton) : Mr. Romney, first there were the “The Hardy Boys”, the “The Backstreet Boys”, “The Boyz in the Hood”, now we have the “The Romney Boys.”

MR:  Yes, I am very proud of my children and the attention that their wholesome looks have added to my chances of winning the presidency.

Me: Your eldest, Tagg is it?

MR: Yes.

Me:  Yes and what the fuck exactly were you thinking when you named him? Tagg is quite an awful name.

MR: It was the nickname of Joseph Smith, the founder of my religion.

Me: Yes, I see…and where did you get this information from?

MR:  I read it…in a book that is in a language only us Romneys’ can understand.

Me: And your other son, Craig...did your wife ever have an affair? Big fan of those Persian night clubs?

MR: Not that I know of.

Me: yes a women’s vagina carries many secrets, perhaps one day we will unlock the mystery of how Craig looks nothing like you.

MR: Now see here I think-

Me: Lets talk about your new campaign commercial starring your sons.

MR: Okay.

Me: I see a great deal of inspiration from Top Gun.

MR: yes, I’m a big fan of that volleyball scene and thought, why not have my sons reenact that? Really get those less than active single ladies of the Midwest to fall in love with politics, I want the excitement of the volleyball court to be a metaphor for the excitement of a new America with Mitt Romney as President!

Me:  Are you aware of the theories that that scene is brimming over with homoerotic undertones?

MR: I just want the people of America to fall in love with the Romneys.

Me: Really? ALL the people? Even “the gays?”

MR: Well everyone except them.

Me:  I read in another article that you describe your sons as the following:  Tagg is the “smart one,” Matt is the “cool one,” Josh is the “dreamy one” and Craig is the “funny one.”

MR: Yes, I also plan to have dolls of them coming out in late Summer, you know to really capitalize on the Twihard voters.

Me: Some might call this shameful peddling of your family to win votes as desperate, a way to draw attention away from your less than admirable features, like the whole Mormon thing, or the whole “anti-abortion” thing.

MR: I try to ignore those stories, really focus on making my boys the focus rather than my political agenda.

Me: Well good luck Mr. Romney.

MR: Thank you, and please enjoy this complimentary copy of Tiger Beat with Josh on the cover in only a polo shirt and non-pleated slacks!

The Calendar's Evil Stepsister

January blows. It’s all dark and gloomy n’ shit, everyone feels all fat and bloated from eating and drinking themselves stupid for the most part of November and December and as if Christmas decorations were not bad enough, Valentine’s Day chocolate starts popping up everywhere you turn. Below are three things one should attempt/czek out  to make January a little less sucky.

1)      Go see The Artist.  Obviously if you are one of those whiny people that don’t like to “read” during movies, or bitch about “old black and white” then stop reading and go re-watch Judge Dread or Big Momma’s House or some other awful uncultured shit.  The Artist is both an homage to silent films and the genre itself. French actor Jean Dujardin (Of OSS 117: Think the French’s equivalent to Maxwell Smart but crasser) shines as a popular silent film actor, in the style of Douglas Fairbanks, too full of pride to make the transition into talkies. His uses his facial features and body movement brilliantly to capture the sometimes hammyness of swashbuckling adventure films of the 20’s, but also the desperateness of a man plagued by failure. He is perfect. On Charlie Rose last night he was asked if he would consider coming over to the Hollywood side of things like some other French actors have. Unfortunately, Dujardin struggles with English and will probably remain a purely French treasure for some time. Go see the artist to feel nostalgic, to feel all warm and fuzzy inside, to truly appreciate what entertainment was like for generations before us.

2)      Go to some divey ass bowling alleys.  What the 80’s did for Wall Street business dudes the 70’s did for bowling Alleys. I feel like any time I walk into a bowling alley it’s like walking into 1975 (except for Grand Central Bowl, which is like walking into an overpriced German discotheque).  Bowling alleys are comforting, they make cool echo sounds and the characters walking around the place are trinkets of short story gold. This past weekend I discovered the “interesting” charm of Milwaukie Bowl. I think my favorite part aside from the candy cane colored seats was that you got your beer from the same guy that gives you your shows. The taps are just right there. Instead of a lounge there is a Game Room which makes sense since this place is apparently the only cool place to go on a Friday night when you are under 21. It was small and all of the families emptied out around 9 leaving my party of hooligans to curse a little bit more loudly and watch you tube videos of crazy people pooping in public places (caught on tape!). The whole experience was relatively cheap mostly because I think the bored looking young man behind the counter was probably too busy texting. So if you ever happen to be in that area, check it out cause you can probably do worst (cough* Interstate Bowl cough*).

3)Write a letter. I know I probably sound like your Grandma right now but through writing some letters in the past few weeks I have come to realize that you end up saying some things that are truly from the depths of your mind and that are awesome. It’s a great way to keep your mind sharp, plus it is fun to feel nostalgic for those days of passing notes in High School.  Draw some doodles in the corner too, or instead of writing out what happened to you or how you are feeling, draw a cartoon of it. Even if it is only stick men, things are always funnier with stick men.

Sex in the City Simplified

Last night was the debut in what I have come to terms with is the trashiest yet addictive show on network TV. Yes that is right, The Bachelor. You must be thinking, wow Hallie, that is really fuckin’ sad, but ya know what? It is totes not, especially when you watch it with four of your other wine guzzling friends and the comments start flying at the sad sack female contenders faster than rotten cabbage at Andrew Dice Clay.  While I am fully aware that we are perpetuating the female stereotype of “girls hatin’ on other girls,” the comments that we make are well deserved as the contestants are all (well except for a few) horrible examples of female empowerment, sanity, reasoning etc. and frankly nothing makes you feel better than realizing and vocalizing that you are glad you are the farthest thing from “hammerhead shark girl” or “SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker) wannabe” of that “fuckin’ lunatic with the tropical throw up dress.”

Last night, as me and my female cohorts gawked at the bevy of single ladies vying for the affection of “Ben F.” I could not help but be saddened  by the realization that there appears to be  ladies blogging (one of the contestants on the Bachelor) out there in an attempt to live or inhabit the ol’ “Sex and the City” lifestyle, freelance writing about all their dating triumphs and tribulations and for the most part probably just sounding really whiney, over analyzing everything and in general ignoring brevity in an attempt to help understand men, when really it comes down to three simple things and we can ignore SJP blog impersonators all together:

1)   

   Men are obsessed with 2 things: Their dick and their youth. They will stop at nothing to fulfill the biding of their trouser snake and their unreasonable quest to stop the aging process whether that be through buying convertibles, taking drugs to make sure their trouser snake works or dumping their sig others to pursue physical activities which will never be as satisfying as having a sig other.

2)     

If a man attempts to share his real feelings or communicate effectively, his dick will explode, and because a man is loyal to only his dick, he will never share his feelings.

3)    

Commitment is like whiskey, it kills his boner, therefore he will never commit.

Ta da! And there you have it ladies…so stop trying to be like Carrie Bradshaw and go watch some Hot Messes on The Bachelor, Mondays on ABC @ 8pm.

Wuss v. Wuss

When a man is pushed to his limits by inbred townies what is the best solution? Hot grease and bear traps of course! I love me a good home invasion movie. There is something inherently fascinating about the tension that is created by the reluctant hero/homeowner and whatever lunatic(s) are outside, divided by only by a wall, a door, or god help us gigantic bay windows.

Last night I watched Straw Dogs, both the 1971 and 2011 versions, with the pure intent of doing a compare and contrast. As with any remake, there were a lot of haters, as many critics hail the original Straw Dogs starring Dustin Hoffman as “groundbreaking.”  Yes groundbreaking for its time, but since then the outright cruelty and violence that once made Straw dogs unique is now common fare in most thriller and horror genre movies. I am not mad that this movie was remade, mostly because characters modifications needed to be made to make the meat of story seem more believable.

The two movies are extremely similar, with identically dialogue in many places as well as “artistic edits.” The main differences are location, (1971 small town England v. 2011 small town south Mississippi), the likeability/strength of the female lead (1971 Susan George’s Amy v. 2011 Kate Bosworth’s Amy) and the length/intensity of the final battle (1971 drawn out and bloody v.  2011 shorter but more chaos).

It is easy to make the argument that it is a total cop out to use “hillbillies” as your villain, as it has already been perfected in movies like Deliverance and over the top is movies like The Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn. However, the “hillbillies” in the 2011 version are not the inbred slop of horror movies, but rather Rednecks with feelings and drinking problems. They seem to care about each other and the town as a whole who all regular engage in the two best things small town Mississippi has to offer, high school football and church. In the 1971 version the townies are all poor, illiterate rat catchers. Nothing really defines the town or why they care about each other so much, other than drinks at the pub, in 1971 I can’t see why everyone is friends, they look like strangers to each other v. 2011 where I can see the friendship and why they would stick together in a bind. While both location settings had their merit, it was who the characters interacted in the setting that the 2011 version pulled ahead. Alexander Skarsgard’s Charlie (Eric from True Blood, yummm soooooo hoooooot) seemed much more menacing and conflicted and engaged in the movie more than Del Henney’s Charlie who only really seemed to become the villain after the rape scene. I was wary of Skarsgard way before the rape.

I’m sorry but didn’t women get all empowered n’ shit in the 60’s? I would have thought by 1971 that we could maybe stop the whole subservient thing but apparently not. In the 71’ version Susan George portrays Amy as a childish, clueless bored housewife and perhaps that was the whole point; to make the character of David and his transformation from mild mannered mathematician to bad ass mother fucker seem more drastic by juxtaposing him with weaker mate. James Marsden (I think he is an underrated actor) in the 2011 version does not need a whining companion to show his transformation, if anything I think Kate Bosworth’s portrayal of Amy as strong willed but also vulnerable through being ignored by David goes along much better with all the other characters in the film, the two main characters in 11’ rely on each other more to survive and that is more admirable in the long run.. While both rape scenes are brutal (well not actually that brutal if you have seen Irreversible) the 11’ version actually shows you how cruel the “villains” are v. 71’ which is almost has the character of Amy bordering on Stockholm syndrome, just saying'.

Overall the final scene where the angry townies overrun the house are the same except for length and the amount of fight David puts up. Obviously in the remake the hand to hand complete feels a little more choreographed but it cuts to the chase faster with more fire hazards, something I am not sure I was that fond of but it sure beat out Amy’s whining and protesting to help David in the 71’ version.

 Both were good but for different reasons. It’s hard to remake something that had a stronger association and gave a sucker punch to a certain era and it’s always easy to replace your villain with Eric from True Blood.

‘Tis it? 5 Truly Annoying Christmas Things

I’m not a Grinch, a Scrooge, or a so called “Debbie Downer” when it comes to Christmas. I own 1 Christmas music CD, I have a tree up, I like to go look at lights, hell this year I even made cookies, they looked like reindeer shit, but hey there were delightful! Along with the awesome things just previously mentioned come the ugly. Below is a list of things I, and maybe even some of you, could do without around the holidays…

1)    

  The Universal Excuse:  You know that Christmas Carol that has that lyric, “Tis’ the Season to be Jolly, fa la la etc..” I don’t when it happened or why  it happened but one day some jackass decided to insert this song lyric into situations in attempt to be cheeky and ended up turning one annoying Christmas carol into one of the shittiest holiday excuses I have ever heard.

“Oh dear, I forgot to put the figgy pudding in the oven, oh well, tis’ the season!”

“Sorry, I needed that parking space more than you did. Tis’ the season!”

“Oh that was YOUR dog I ran over? Tis’ the season!”

Really everyone? Tis’ it?

2)      “I Can Get Closer”:  No you can’t. I understand that getting that parking spot closest to the entrance feels great, “Wow now I don’t need to walk those extra 20 feet,” You think to yourself. During December parking lots are nightmares, and you are just making it worse by parking your ass in the middle of the isle waiting with your turn signal on while Mertyl unloads her loot into the back of her Champagne colored Cadillac sedan. Did you know that are 13 cars behind you? Of course not because you are in parking spot denial. Just go to where the spots are…in BFE. I’m sure we could all use a little extra physical activity around this time of year anyway.

3)      Winter “Space” Entitlement:  Yeah I know it’s REALLY HARD to decide between the regular and the low sodium chicken broth…I realize that this is probably your first time making a “big boy” dinner for your family but it still does give you the right to endlessly block products that others might need as well. This problem leaks to the most random of places…like the gym, hats off the asshat that continues to use the machine that makes peoples’ ears bleed all because he is too lazy to find another  one and rationalizes, “who cares I have headphones!” Just stay home and eat Fiddle Faddle you fat prick because those 15 minutes you spent on the treadmill won’t help your entitlement problem or your love handles.

4)      Commercials That Change the Lyrics of Christmas Carols: Way to ruin classic tunes with consumeristic trash  TV(yeah I just made that word up, so what!)! It’s not bad enough that they start up holiday songs the day after Thanksgiving and play them in every god damn store you walk into, you get to hear “I’m dreaming of 50% off!” rather  than “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.” T-Mobile is the biggest offender of truly tasteless holiday adds. First off, the T-mobile girl is a total rip off of “the Mac guy.” Second, it utilizes the truly awful holiday tradition of exploiting midgets, expect these guys are all dressed in silver and pink singing about Smart phones and 4G….BARF…Listen you advertisement producing buttholes, the only thing Santa’s elves make are toys that you can stuff or toys you can carve out of wood.

5)      Ugly Sweater Parties:  I admit, I own what one might consider, “an Ugly Christmas Sweater.” However I made mine, and I hardly consider it ugly, I mean, I lovingly sewed gay snowmen onto a plain old boring green sweatshirt. However, I feel like what was once a great way to make fun of 50 year old school teachers that get laid once every two years, polygamists, Grandmas and really out of touch stay at home moms is not nearly as interesting nor surprising as it used to be. At this point we all know what an ugly Christmas Sweater is supposed to look like, gaudy holiday scenarios involving poof balls, glitter yarn and snowmen and Santas with “crazy eyes”. There used to be a uniqueness to wearing theses atrocities, because it only happened once a year. But now it has become as common as bums on Burnside. Ugly x-mas sweaters lost their magic the day that the hipster population stated wearing just generally ugly sweaters all year long, sometimes with even uglier ones underneath the original. It became cool to wear ugly shit and irony took the place of laughing at lopsided snowman and gigantic teddy bears on lime green wool. Damn you hipsters!!! First you ruin fedoras and moccasins and now Christmas parties? Jesus…

Have Fun in That Stooopid Brunch Line

I, like the many many people of Portland, don’t really feel like cooking breakfast the day after I stayed up too lake making bad decisions on behalf of my liver and making people cringe at my forgettable karaoke version of Hall and Oates “Private Eyes” (which in finally out of my head now thanks to my horrific rendition…nothing says never again like public embarrassment).

However, UNLIKE the many many people of Portland I don’t feel like waiting in a line longer than the one at Space Mountain at Disney Land just so I can have an equally hung over waiter check in with my table once, and have that douche at the table situated WAY TOO CLOSE to mine talk as loudly as he can about the bullshit c minus he got on his Buddhist art class term paper. Yes I know Screen Door has awesome southern inspired food that includes candied bacon and that Pine State has a fried chicken biscuit creation that is makes your mouth water (The Reggie), or that Cricket Café has a mean Monte Cristo…when I am hungry which is usually first thing in the morning, the last thing I want to do is prolong the experience of sipping a bad ass bloody mary and shoveling butter saturated eggs and glistening maple bacon into my mouth. That is why I am naming my new favorite brunch place, Sckavones.

Sckavones is used to be an old soda shop back in the day and evidence of the buildings history as well as the city of Portland are all hanging on the walls in the form of black and white photographs. The space feels nostalgic and the best part is there is never a wait, at least when I have gone at prime time brunch time, 10-11. While there are tables set out in the open, the majority of the seating is spacious booths nestled against two walls. The menu is not overwhelming, which is great because who doesn’t have a hard time picking out breakfast when your mouth still tastes like last night’s nightcap? Their omelets are packed with the ingredients advertised, their eggs benedicts is delightful and the bloody mary? Completely up to par with my high standards, plus there is even a BM bar where you can shove the whole garden in your pint glass if it pleases you. Another thing I enjoy about this brunch place is they have a bevy of games to play while you wait at the table eating your complementary mini scones. I personally like to practice my Jeopardy skills, the game is so old the picture of Alex Trebek still has him sporting his mustache and “S&P” feathered hair. Your table is checked on frequently and the waitresses don’t treat you like you just murdered their cat with your gas guzzling Prius. The food is not OMG to die for, but seriously people it really just comes down to some bacon, eggs, potatoes and cheese, and this place does not fuck those breakfast staples up. There are even willing to make substitutions. When I noticed Gruyere on one item I got that shit subbed in for boring ol’ chedder, no tude, no questions asked, the waitress even came by to make sure my omelet had gruyere in it! Amazing!

So next time you wake up and you realize you would rather chew glass then life a finger  to cook, go support a sweet ass joint that does not make you wait out in the cold and drink decaf because that is the only  thing left in their pity coffee airpots.

Sckavones- 4100 SE Division St.

RENTAL MANIA!

Okay, I have been sick and it has been effen cold which means a lot of movies. Here is a brief rundown of what sucks, what semi-sucks and what is not so sucky at all.

The Change-Up: I wanted to see  this because I wanted to see Bateman and Reynolds impersonate each other. What I got were some not believable poop-jokes, and gratuitous cursing.  Normally I like poop jokes and cursing but in this movie it was like they put their hands in a hat full of gross-out clichés just so they could make “Rated R Freaky Friday.” This movie went on WAY too long. It truly felt like Titanic except the only thing sinking was Jason Bateman’s ability to play anything different than unhappy young executive. RATING: Sucks

The Devil’s Double: I think Dominic Cooper is a fantastic young talent and I can’t wait to see him in more movies. Here he plays two characters, Uday Hussein and his Body double Latif Yahia. I was very fascinated by the premise of this movie and not just that it was based on a true story. I thought Cooper did an amazing job and the content/events of the movie were mostly true based Yahia's book of the same name. However the movie ended abruptly and without a badass ending, something  I would expect to be the product of a generally  bad ass movie. The film also suffered consistency problems with regard to the “horribleness” of Uday. If you are going to call him the worst human being ever, than beef up the horrible. This was mostly due to the fault of Cooper, he certainly did portray him as a manic sociopath but it was perhaps a little too giddy for my tastes, still and excellent job on his part thought. RATING: Semi-sucks.

Friends with Benefits: This unfortunately came out after No Strings Attached, you know “That other movie about being jaded and single.”  Honestly I wish I could tell you that one is better than the other. The premise is exactly the same but in Friends with Benefits I like that the dialogue was a bit wittier and funny but I hated that the main characters' jobs were working at a magazine in New York City, the most played out young professionals role in romantic comedy history ( 13 going on 30, Devil Wears Prada, 27 Dresses blah blah blah etc…) Kunis and Timberlake took a while to find their chemistry but overall I like Timberlake better as a person than Ashton Kutcher. This film was good for zoning out and being doped up on cold meds. RATING: Semi-sucks.

Red State: In case none of you know this, Kevin Smith (you know Clerks? Mallrats?) made a horror movie. It is another social commentary on religion like Dogma. However rather than take aim at one religion ( you know Christianity) as he did in Dogma this movie takes aim at the Westboro Baptist Church (you know those assholes that picket dead soldiers funerals?). It is actually rather slow and the dialogue not as snappy and funny as you would expect. In fact this movie watched more like a Tarantino flick than a Smith flick. This is not to say I did not like it. I was very engrossed the whole time and enjoyed how the move and character focus shifted. Great performance from John Goodman. RATING: Not so sucky at all.

Cowboys and Aliens:  I have not decided if I am cool with genre mixing at such a high extreme yet. I hate that this movie thinks it is the only one to mix a Western with Sci-Fi, please see West World circa 1970’s for awesomeness of this breed. Cowboys and Aliens started out as a good western and it probably should have just stayed a western. The aliens were not as cheesy CGI as they could have been and  I appreciate Jon Favreau as a director and his want to preserves some aspects of classic film making. However toward the end it just got to be too much. The Indians were comically stereotyped, Harrison Ford did his usually “grumpy looking actor face” and Olivia Wilde’s character was thrown in just to have a hot chick around, the film could have done fine without her. I really did enjoy Daniel Craig and Sam Rockwell, their opposite characters and how they interacted with the supporting cast was a nice backdrop to all the unnecessary explosions. I guess I can’t bitch too much, what would one expect from a movie simply called Cowboys and Aliens? RATING:  Semi-Sucks.