Some of you may have seen the billboards around town for the Glowing Greens, an indoor, black light, pirate themed miniature golf course. I used to love miniature golf when I was younger and in my older age have been hoping that an adult themed miniature golf course would occur in Portland. However the Glowing Greens did not meet my grand expectations but rather made me feel like I was in some uncle’s tiki bar basement from the 60’s but with some mechanical skeletons n’ shit. Looks like somebody’s parents set up their kid for success after their grow operation was discovered and landed them in jail for 20 years. Bummer.
My first mistake was forgetting that black lights are inherently linked to hippies and in general “good vibes, man” and “groovy parties, man.” Upon entering the underground black light extravaganza I first had to adjust my eyes. Then I was noticed all the employees wearing tye-dye, probably because it “looked radical, man” under the light. Then I heard the music… of course it was reggae. I was slightly worried. When I asked if they had beer, I was informed “no” in the way that people that never drink beer feel proud to tell you. Bummer.
I knew the experience was going to be slightly campy. While the whole joint was universally pirate themed, each hole had its own thing going on. They all had a name, one was even named after a Styx song, (Sail Away!). The others were standard pirate fare, “Skeleton Reef” “Skull Cavern” Jungle Fever” “Blue Tiki” and the ode to the Discovery channel’s favorite week, ”Sharks Rule!” I appreciated the love that went into decorating the place and making it unique, but at the same time I found myself having to hunch over a lot to do a thorough inspection of each hole to make sure there were no surprise hills. Oh all the holes had plenty of angels, outlined but one of the five colors that look good in black light, but the fact that in general the course was dark, made it slightly challenging. Did I also mention it was annoying that there was no beer? Bummer.
The whole thing took about 45 minutes and the whole time I felt kinda cheesy, but in a good way. Was I glad I at least tried it out? Sure, it was slightly nostalgic but I’m still looking for the miniature golfing gold at the end of the rainbow, a place where kids are not allowed, they serve beer and there is actually a place to set it down while you play. There needs to be different course options so you come back, there needs to be….regular light! I’m just glad there was not a strobe light, otherwise that place would have a serious problem with seizures. I think in the meantime I will just stick with Edgefield for my golfing needs. There is even an outdoor miniature golf course somewhere in Happy Valley, but that means you actually have to drive to Happy Valley? Bummer.
Glowing Greens 509 SW Taylor $9 per person for 18 holes. Get drinks before.
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