This week US Weekly broke the news that everybody’s favorite drunk midget, Snooki, is pregnant. In an even more bizarre state of events, most of Americans seems to be acknowledging this as “real news” rather than another link in the shit show chain of reality TV events that really are not that trivial. Remember that time that one guy who shot himself who was a husband of some rich women who was famous for being a bitch? Great me neither cause it’s not like it’s totally out of the ordinary for suicidal people to kill themselves or for drug addicts to go to rehab or a drunken person to talk shit or for sexually active people to have babies! Right? I decided to get behind the scenes of what it really means to be Snooki. I sat down for an exciting interview with everybody’s favorite hot mess of the boardwalk, Nicole “Snooki” Somereallyitaliansoundinglastname.
Me: Ms. Snooki, thank you for being with us, I know it must have been hard to pull you away from that fishbowl AMF.
Snooki: I don’t do that no more. I’m really excited for this new chapter in my life.
Me: Yes, you have a baby on board. I know I, and America, have a few questions about that.
Snooki: That’s what I’m here for!
Me: How to you except to teach a child to talk when you somehow have a hard time speaking like anybody other than a 5 year old who just caught stealing cookies from the jar?
Snooki: Alls I know is that I was born this way and I’m proud of who I am and by fiancé Jionni’s loves me just the way I am.
Me: Yes, your “fiancé” Jionni, can you give us a rough figure of how much he was paid to be your boyfriend? I’m sure the producers of your show had to fork out a pretty penny for someone to put up with your neediness.
Snooki: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Me: (long pause, stares adamantly) Are you drunk right now? I mean, it’s okay if you are, we are very accepting here, we even had Newt Gingrich here once and he is a total tool, worse than your Jersey Shore roommates.
Snooki: I have found it very easy to stop drinking, I mean I had to cut back a lot for my diet, the one I was on before I was pregnant.
Me: You mean the coke and grapefruit diet?
Snooki: Like Coca Cola?
Me: Nevermind.
Snooki: Partying is behind me, I’m focusing on my new Show with Jaywow and my relationship with Jionni.
Me: You know your new show is going to me boring as hell if you’re not humping fake plants, getting arrested and falling down drunk talking shit about sand crabs all while getting punched in the face, right?
Snooki: Look, I know I gots fans, they love me no matter what I do and mes and Wow's show is gonna be different, nothing like the Shore.
Me: I noticed lately that you have traded in your signature “hair bump” for a more natural look.
Snooki: Yeah, it turns out teasing your hair is really bad for the baby.
Me: Um…and where did you read that?
Snooki: In this new book I gots, “What to the World Expects You to Do When you are Famous and Expecting” I heard Beyonce called it her bible when she was pregnant with Blue Ivy.
Me: Great you said that stupid babies name! Now I have to pay ten grand in royalties! Thanks a lot Snooki.
Snooki: What did I do?!
Me: Nevermind…do you have a name picked out?
Snooki: I was thinking something high fashion like, Juicy or Ed Hardy or maybe something classic Italian like Donatella or Caponiana
Me: I am already feeling sorry for this child.
Snooki: You know your kinda a bitch
Me: Does that mean you wanna pound some Patron and slap fight till I pull your extensions out?
Snooki: Peace out, I got publicity photos to take of me rubbing my belly all nurturing n’ shit.
Me: Thank you for your time, as I’m sure your time in the spotlight might me waning.
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