Well, the few of you that still read this blog have probably
been, “Where the fuck is my awesome daily dose of Hallie banterings? If you
have not, then great…I can stop berating my therapist with guilt musings over
unaccomplished projects. Sike! I can’t afford a therapist! Man you really fell
for that one!
But seriously folks, there really has not been that much
cool to write about. My movie habit has decreased due to the sunny days and
Rick Santorum turned me down for an interview because he is apparently too busy
being the world’s most idiotic human (that and there was a clearance on Cosby
sweaters at Marshalls).
One thing I feel entitled to write about today is Portland
when it is sunny and the phenomenon of people that influx to Colonel Sumners
Park, located on SE 20th and Belmont. The park is equivalent to high
school, and by that statement I mean it’s real “cliquey.” Below is an educational
list of all the different groups you can find hanging out at Colonel Sumners
High on any given sunny day. This is merely an observation, I find many of
these groups necessary to fill out the park dynamic and appreciate seeing them
all co-exist on acres of half lush half muddy terrain.
1) Borderline Homeless Ravers
This lovely group of people can normally be found huddled
around a picnic table, one preferable close to bushes. Their age range is 12-45
and their dress code is dingy pajama pants, shirts that are too small and
accessories that really scream “who is ready to drop molly and watch me wave
some glow-sticks in your face?” They chain smoke, occasionally bust out into
dance and would probably give their left nut for a can of Sparks. You have no
idea if they are actually friends or if they were all sporadically wondering around
the park, spotted the table with someone wearing similar attire and said “I
should go hang out over there! They look like they have meth sores just like
me!”
2) Cirque Du Soleil Posers
How do these guys gather? Does someone send out an email
like “It’s supposed to be super sweet tomorrow! Gather up your hula hoops, stilts,
glass balls and meet me at Sumner bros! I’ll bring my slack line and a 6 pack
of my kombucha home brew!” Look, I’m
sure slack lining requires a great deal of skill, but It’s as fleeting as
parkour-- not a lot of people can do it and the only fame you will probably ever
achieve will be from You Tube, unless you are that Art Garfunkel looking guy
from the Super Bowl halftime show.
3) Inevitable Solo Guitar Guy
Okay, so this is not a really a group but you see this guy
everywhere, he is on campus, he is on the bus, he is at parties, but most of
all, he is at the park. Let me be clear,
I do not hate on people that like to take their love of music to the public ears,
more power to them. But If you are that guy that tries really really really
hard to sound like the lead singer from
Incubus or god help me Dave Matthews and your really not that good at the
guitar to begin with, keep that shit inside for I would prefer to enjoy my time
in the park sans the pretentious sounds of amateur hour.
4) The Librarians
I thought the park was for socializing with your friends? I
read “alone” in the park, why? Because it is something I like to do when I don’t
feel like socially interacting or my friends or busy. I don’t really understand
the concept of 4 people sitting on a blanket ready heavy ass shit like
Dostoevsky and Foucault. “Geez Kim, can
you shut up I’m trying to read Crime and Punishment over here!” I think I would
be more forgiving if it was People or US weekly.
5) Incorrect Dodgeballers
I used to play Dodgeball a few years back and it was some competitive
intense shit. Maybe I’m used to the thrill that comes from the sparseness of
players and balls. I just can’t see how 30 plus people on either side of a
tennis net is fun. I mean, you have to clear the net, right? That would result
in balls being thrown higher which are easier to catch, right? Frankly it looks
like a hipster clusterfuck with no way to keep track of score but I guess that might
be where the fun lies. I guess I should not knock it till I try it but I feel
like I would need sufficient beer beforehand to make up for potential lack of
action in the court. Gotta stay
entertained somehow!
6) Moms That Used to Be Hip!
Hey remember me! I used to do all the cool things you do
like go to Stumptown and shows at the Doug Fir, but oops looks like I
accidentally got married to a rich guy with a sweet spread in Ladd’s Addition
and now I try to relive my cool days by dragging my children to the same park I
used to roll joints in! Fuck I am so bored!”
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