I have never understood this concept of “urban jogging” otherwise known as “hey pedestrian! Get the fuck out of the way so that I may jog in place at every stoplight and intersection because I can’t find a fucking park or gym to save my life.”
I do advocate exercise. I might even go as far to say joint destroying running is okay. But there is nothing that ruins that first sip of mojito or ice cold beer like some b- hole huffing and puffing past your table with that twinkle in his eye that says “loser.”
My first sip of wonderful Pino Noir turns from perfect to self-pity. “Wow maybe I should be exercising instead of sitting on my ass drinking alcohol.” I look down at the happy hour platter of fried delicacies such a freeze dried potatoes and cheese sticks and think to myself “I bet that guy is having tempah and buckwheat for dinner..fuck no wonder that personal trainer at the gym looks at me like a leper!”
I remember when I used to work at Starbucks this group of guys that I affectionately referred to as “the boys club” would bust in the door at 5 am panting and sweating all over the place and get to the resister and have a five-minute conversation amongst themselves that went something like this.. “Gary coffee? Joe coffee? Larry coffee? Roger coffee? Stan coffee?” And they would all ask each other five times...Gary would ask Larry and Larry would ask Stan who would ask Gary again and Gary would ask Joe but mean to ask Stan..
The whole time I’m thinking, “What the fuck did you come in here for? To show all other patrons that you douches just went on a sweet ass jog at 4am? That you are more dedicated than the rest of us?” Get your decaf and move along...this is not a sting operation of Runner’s World to surprise your “gang” that you have all been selected to be on their next cover. I swear today if I saw that same group of guys jog past me sitting outside a bar on a nice day I would yell at them “get off the street and go home and relax al-fucking-ready!”
When did brake light have to start being the size of Christmas hams? Since when did the nice small rounded red light turn into an obnoxious retina burning bundle of smaller red lights that have more business being on a light up billboard that on the back end of a car? Some of the worst offenders? Prius and that new Kia SUV model...Seriously I get out of my car and blink and the horrible sight is still in front of my eyelids. I can’t turn away from them because how will I know when you stop? I am totally that douche now that when I see a Prius trying to merge in front of me I speed up because I want to save my eyes from the blood red strobe light of death. I might have to go to the eye doctor for the first time in my life if you people keep this Prius buying shit up…maybe eye doctor and Toyota are in cahoots with each other.. (In voive of smarmy doctor) “You burn their eyeballs.. they give money to my practice..mwa haha !!”
bahahahahaaa! I've had that jogger guilt/get the f away from my bar feeling so many times! At least when you and I would take our 'walk-abouts' we went at a reasonable pace so as not to look pretentious or shake up our beers.
ReplyDeleteThe other day I was behind a truck that had, I swear, 5 lights in its back window. All were different sizes and had no apparent organized placement. It looked like a spaceship had landed in the bed of the truck. Lights are just the new cool accessories I guess. Super.