Last night’s Halloween double feature were 2 little gems from the 80’s, the best decade for awesomely bad horror movies; Chopping Mall (1986) and C.H.U.D. (1984). It was fight to the death about what film would be dubbed “less sucky” by Sean, BF and I. I think in the end what sucked the most was the popcorn because like the movies, my microwave is also from the 80’s.
Chopping Mall- “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not that used to getting chased around the mall in the middle of the night by killer robots!” Neither am I sweetheart and you probably would not be in this situation if you would’ve moved your make out party to a real house instead of the furniture outlet store in the mall conventionally located next to a shop simply called “Italian.”
Three robots dubbed the “protectors” are commissioned to patrol the mall at night when no one is supposedly there. Looks like some foolish adults once again underestimated the teenage ability to break rules and totes party hardy wherever they feel like it.
The acting was truly awful and most of the deaths were subpar robot hand chokings. The cover of the box promised me body parts in a shopping bag but alas it never happened. What did happen was robot lasers. Lasers that blew up somebody’s head in front of “The House of Almonds”, another generically named mall kiosk. It was the best scene in the movie.
The gang has to plot ways to destroy the bots who after killing someone politely say “Have a nice day.” Let’s just say they find a gun store, whip up some Molotov cocktails and play cat and mouse for a good hour before the bots are destroyed and the only person left was the most annoying to begin with. Sweet soundtrack pumped full of ominous synthesizers and radical tunes to underage drink to (although my cohorts thought maybe the victims were a tad on the collage side, great fucking job casting department, NOT!). Over all, Chopping mall won my heart with it’s title and the fact that it was better than..
C.H.U.D.
I don’t know what the fuck this movie was trying to be. Social commentary about public welfare’s treatment of the homeless? John Heard’s photography career? Daniel Stern’s lame attempt to channel an Occupy Portland protester? I just want to see some fuckin’ CHUDS already!
First we get to see a CHUD bite, which looked more like an unattended “Nam” mortar wound except more glisteny. Then we get to see fat politicians and police grumble over what to do about the missing homeless people in the sewer and who acts more like a douche bag.
At one point Daniel Stern gets locked in the sewer and stumbles upon a CHUD party but it’s not like we get to see them , that privilege is only reserved for Stern, who I kept expecting to get hit with a flying can of paint or two by four with nails a la Home Alone style.
The coolest scene in the movie is when a big mean CHUD invades the home of some female character whose purpose in the film was oblivious to me. He comes in, his neck expands, then grows allowing for the girl to decapitate him with a machete she just happened to keep around her house. The blood is green radioactive goo. It is gross. But it was not a head getting shot off by laser beams. Sorry CHUD. Maybe you should have more CHUD sex so there are more CHUD babies so there are more CHUDS in the effen movie next time!
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