‘Tis it? 5 Truly Annoying Christmas Things

I’m not a Grinch, a Scrooge, or a so called “Debbie Downer” when it comes to Christmas. I own 1 Christmas music CD, I have a tree up, I like to go look at lights, hell this year I even made cookies, they looked like reindeer shit, but hey there were delightful! Along with the awesome things just previously mentioned come the ugly. Below is a list of things I, and maybe even some of you, could do without around the holidays…

1)    

  The Universal Excuse:  You know that Christmas Carol that has that lyric, “Tis’ the Season to be Jolly, fa la la etc..” I don’t when it happened or why  it happened but one day some jackass decided to insert this song lyric into situations in attempt to be cheeky and ended up turning one annoying Christmas carol into one of the shittiest holiday excuses I have ever heard.

“Oh dear, I forgot to put the figgy pudding in the oven, oh well, tis’ the season!”

“Sorry, I needed that parking space more than you did. Tis’ the season!”

“Oh that was YOUR dog I ran over? Tis’ the season!”

Really everyone? Tis’ it?

2)      “I Can Get Closer”:  No you can’t. I understand that getting that parking spot closest to the entrance feels great, “Wow now I don’t need to walk those extra 20 feet,” You think to yourself. During December parking lots are nightmares, and you are just making it worse by parking your ass in the middle of the isle waiting with your turn signal on while Mertyl unloads her loot into the back of her Champagne colored Cadillac sedan. Did you know that are 13 cars behind you? Of course not because you are in parking spot denial. Just go to where the spots are…in BFE. I’m sure we could all use a little extra physical activity around this time of year anyway.

3)      Winter “Space” Entitlement:  Yeah I know it’s REALLY HARD to decide between the regular and the low sodium chicken broth…I realize that this is probably your first time making a “big boy” dinner for your family but it still does give you the right to endlessly block products that others might need as well. This problem leaks to the most random of places…like the gym, hats off the asshat that continues to use the machine that makes peoples’ ears bleed all because he is too lazy to find another  one and rationalizes, “who cares I have headphones!” Just stay home and eat Fiddle Faddle you fat prick because those 15 minutes you spent on the treadmill won’t help your entitlement problem or your love handles.

4)      Commercials That Change the Lyrics of Christmas Carols: Way to ruin classic tunes with consumeristic trash  TV(yeah I just made that word up, so what!)! It’s not bad enough that they start up holiday songs the day after Thanksgiving and play them in every god damn store you walk into, you get to hear “I’m dreaming of 50% off!” rather  than “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.” T-Mobile is the biggest offender of truly tasteless holiday adds. First off, the T-mobile girl is a total rip off of “the Mac guy.” Second, it utilizes the truly awful holiday tradition of exploiting midgets, expect these guys are all dressed in silver and pink singing about Smart phones and 4G….BARF…Listen you advertisement producing buttholes, the only thing Santa’s elves make are toys that you can stuff or toys you can carve out of wood.

5)      Ugly Sweater Parties:  I admit, I own what one might consider, “an Ugly Christmas Sweater.” However I made mine, and I hardly consider it ugly, I mean, I lovingly sewed gay snowmen onto a plain old boring green sweatshirt. However, I feel like what was once a great way to make fun of 50 year old school teachers that get laid once every two years, polygamists, Grandmas and really out of touch stay at home moms is not nearly as interesting nor surprising as it used to be. At this point we all know what an ugly Christmas Sweater is supposed to look like, gaudy holiday scenarios involving poof balls, glitter yarn and snowmen and Santas with “crazy eyes”. There used to be a uniqueness to wearing theses atrocities, because it only happened once a year. But now it has become as common as bums on Burnside. Ugly x-mas sweaters lost their magic the day that the hipster population stated wearing just generally ugly sweaters all year long, sometimes with even uglier ones underneath the original. It became cool to wear ugly shit and irony took the place of laughing at lopsided snowman and gigantic teddy bears on lime green wool. Damn you hipsters!!! First you ruin fedoras and moccasins and now Christmas parties? Jesus…