With the GOP race looking grim for Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, another candidate just does not know when to say enough is enough. I recently sat down with this self proclaimed “eye of the tiger” to further explore his campaign strategy and to know the man behind the man who is Newt Gingrich.
Me: (In the Style of James Lipton): Mr. Gingrich, thank you for being here, may I call you Aquatic Salamander?
NG: Why would you call me that?
Me: Ah I see you do not prefer the literal meaning of your god awful name.
NG: Newt is short for “Newton.”
Me: Ah of the Fig variety? A favorite cookie of senior citizens the world over.
NG: Perhaps we should talk about the upcoming primaries I have a killer plan for Super Tuesday.
Me: And I think you have the face of super serial killer but that is beside the point. Yes, your plan of attack seems to be to simply attack Mitt Romney, the man you just whopped your ass in Florida.
NG: I don’t look at that loss as a negative; I try to focus on the positive, like my victory in South Carolina.
Me: You mean the state that still thinks the confederate flag should fly above the state capital? Yes, the people are totally sane in that state. You have also recently been endorsed by fellow nut job Herman Cain. Do you admire his support?
NG: I admire any support. Look, I know what this country needs, we need focus on the economy.
Me: Unfortunately that word “economy” has been weighted by arbitrariness, as every one of you republican yokels has some sort of “sweet-ass” plan to fix the economy. If you really want to fix the economy, just give everyone a check for 10 grand and they will probably stop their bitching…for now.
NG: That is a band-aid approach I see being utilized by both our current president and my main competitor, Mr. Romney and I simply think we need to open the gates for discussion as to the long –term plan for financial stability.
Me: Just like you wanted to open the gate of your marriage for more pussy? Really Mr. Gingrich, it looks like your face has been sucked into the middle of your head…did you really think getting a mistress would be THAT easy? I know prostitutes, good ones, are not cheap…
NG: I refuse to trash talk my ex-wife nor engage in any conversation related to our relationship.
Me: Then it sounds like you have a communication problem. How to you expect to effectively communicate with foreign leaders of the world if you cannot even be honest with your own country?
NG: This is completely unrelated to politics.
Me: Not necessarily. Polls have shown that conservative voters prefer a candidate with a strong family base. Mitt Romney has been married to his Sister, ahem, excuse me, WIFE since high school and they have a family full of near –do-wells. You have been married THREE times. If you can’t make a marriage work how can you expect to make your sham campaign work?
NG: Hard work and dedication.
Me: Don’t forget denial and vindictive tactics.
NG: Yes those to.
Me: What is your plan in Nevada?
NG: Oh probably do a little gambling, and little light dining.
Me: I meant your campaign. The Nevada primary is this weekend.
NG: Oh! Yes, sorry I was too busy thinking about what an effen baby I am.
Me: You and everyone else sir. Thank you Mr. Gingrich.
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