I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little bit when I stepped out of my apartment January 3rd to see that the world’s grocery and convenience stores had quickly moved on from their three month old Christmas decorations to the red hearts and chocolate menageries of many single peoples least favorite holiday, Valentines Day. Normally I fall into the category of people that see this holiday as being a horrible reminder that you are still single. I still do but I can’t be a total pessimist here as I have had a few nice V-days….one year I even got flowers and almost shat twice and died from shock ( If you’re a man and reading this girls still love to get flowers so stop pretending like its old fashioned and your above it).
In honor (or dis-honor) of what many believe to be a holiday created by greeting card companies (because really how do we get chocolate and hugs and kisses out of a martyred Roman Pope?) I have listed a few things I have always enjoyed doing on February 14th.
Make Other Couples Feel Uncomfortable
How do you do this you might ask? Simple! By bringing to light the issues in their relationship they are too scared to discuss by doing it yourself!
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
• Platonic friend of the opposite sex, preferably also single
• A semi-fancy restaurant where “real” couples will be dining
• An ability to probably not care that you are about to make a scene
• Theatrical training (not really but have some drinks to make you think you can act)
THE PLAN:
Go to a restaurant that has a bar. Sit there. Order some drinks, pretend like you are on a date. Order another round of drinks. When you are almost done with your second drink start a “fake argument”. This will ultimately end in the girl storming out of the bar. Male will pay bill and follow girl after at which point he will rehash to girl all the awkward looks and stares and sympathy pep talks he got from the bartender. The fight starts out slightly quiet but ends with one good semi-loudish, “I knew this was a big mistake!” or “ I can’t believe you are doing this to me on VALENTINES DAY!” or the ever classic “Who the hell do you think you are?!” Plan a sore subject ahead of time to re-hash in public and make that one couple doing way too much PDA wish they had stayed at home.
Hunker Down with Bruce n’ Friends
Nothing makes you forget you have not gotten laid in months quite like machine guns and flying body parts and F bombs and explosions.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
• A “good” action movie like, Die Hard or Rambo or some other awesome shit from the 90’s.
• A “not so good” action movie like pretty much anything with Chuck Norris or Steven Segal, Delta Force or Lone Wolf McQuade or Navy Seals.
THE PLAN:
Grab you r buddies and go buy a shit ton of cheap beer and grab a few bags of extra salty chips so you feel nice and fat the next day. Pop in your first movie and create a drinking game. Did Bruce just say some cheeky line directed at a Superior officer? DRINK! Did Chuck Norris just roundhouse kick someone in the face? DRINK! You get the idea…it will get funnier the more empty beer cans are surrounding you.
Create the ultimate chocolate experiment laboratory
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
• Chocolate you can melt down and dip shit into (white, milk, dark or all three)
• Friends who like to experiment with weird food combinations
• Anything you are not afraid to put chocolate on (or are afraid and it might turn out to be awesome!)
THE PLAN:
It’s pretty straight forward, hang out, drink wine and see what things actual taste good covered in chocolate. Things in the past I have used include gummi bears (so good), grapes (the verdict is still out on this one) and potato chips (yes!) Things that I would like to try would of course be bacon, maybe a celery stalk with peanut butter and maybe even steak bits (I remember maybe doing this camping once and it was not that bad but I need to re-try). Go chocolate hog wild. Bon Appetit!
No comments:
Post a Comment