Once The Bachelor ended me and my panel of wine guzzling friends were at a loss of what we were going to do Monday nights now that our shit talking fodder had come to a disappointing end (Really?! Courtney?!) “Well there is always Dancing with the Stars, right?” someone reluctantly said . We all nodded in agreement that really the whole point of Monday nights was to spend time together and make fun of reality TV show contestant so why not?
Last night was an emotional night on DWTS. We the panel, Karlin, Emily and Danielle and I were under the impression that the D-list stars chose songs to dance to that tugged at their heartstrings because every time someone finished dancing they were crying, and not because one of Judge Bruno’s flailing arms hit them in the eye. Through the course of the night we picked out several performances to critique. Below is that list.
Derek Hough and his partner Maria Menounous danced the rumba to a slowed down as all hell version of Madonna’s Material Girl which we all enjoyed. They received at decent score of 27. While Maria did an outstanding job I and the panel could not hold back on our distain for Derek:
K: He totally wants her sex, look at his butt quiver!
D: He kinda has a nice butt, it’s not too big…I think
E: He reminds me of my best friends big brother who I had a crush on until I realized he was just short and a pervert. He looks like a baby pig.
H: That mustache is more immature than a 40 year old at a Carrot Top show. He needs to decide whether he wants that mustache or not.
Next up, Karina Smirnoff and her partner Gavin McGraw danced, opps too much wine forget the dance, but it was all slow n’ shit, they got a score of 24. He cried a lot after, we don’t know why though we think it has something to do with father abandonment issues. I know, who the fuck is Gavin McGraw? Some guy who sings that one song that goes “I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been lately.” It was a slightly unmemorable dance. Here is what the panel had to say about this over the top EMO performance:
H: Where are your eyebrows you balding Ashton Kutcher wannabe with a Texas accent?
K: Why is there is American Beauty music playing? Please accept your receding hairline Gavin.
D: Gavin, why are you wearing that shitty necklace with such a classy outfit?
E: Bad hat, bad beat..I see through the costume (*is that a metaphor?)
Next we tore apart “Mini-Maks” Val and Sherri Sheppard. They got a 24 and danced to a Kelly Clarkson ballad.
H: If my boobs were that big I would tip over on the dance floor. I wish I could make a career out of being all sassy n’ shit.
K: Triangle. You are a triangle.
D: Calm your face down Sherri! Mini Maks, your shirt is silken and gross…
E: Bad shirt, bad dress, I can’t wait until the Bachelorette is on. Sorry.
Next up was actually Maks and his partner Melissa “that actress from little house on the Prairie” Gilbert. They jived hardcore and I think Len got a boner, but you would never know under that “8” score paddle. Once again Mak’s had to have his shirt wide open:
H: Maks! The Ukrainian Bachelor, I don’t care what any of you say I like his open shirt! Why is MG wearing a 50’s bathing suit?
K: Gilbert, it looks like you have got a little poop in your pants, but the dress is not that bad and I know you mean it!
D: Your face is tight enough that I can’t tell if you are having fun or irreversibly sad.
E: Girl, if you are going to have stripper hair, you have to a least mean it, k?
Next up was the guy we affectionately refer to by a slew of nick names, Tall Joey Lawrence, Horsey Butt and Mexi-NO! His partner is Cherly Burke and by this point we have no clue if he is jiving or sambaing or rumbaing or what, but his shirt is also open. I think is name is William and he is a BFD in Mexico. Too bad he is on DWTS love American Style. But as it turns out we wrote no comments for Mexi-NO because we ended up writing them about Jaleel “Urkel” White. He danced something, I’m sure Bruno stood up and flailed his arms and praised his “form.” Hubba hubba:
D: Jaleel, why are you wearing white when your last name is white?
H: Jaleel! I love entertaining people too! Don’t cry about it!
E: No…just No.
Overall it was an eventful night, and like seriously, everyone was crying because why? They never got the satisfaction of earning major bucks in their other professions? You have to show everyone you are a great dancer too! Man, people on the D list are selfish!
If you miss the Bachelor like we do I guess watch this garbage. DWTS Mondays @ 8pm on ABC
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