Male Sound Effects: A Thought Piece

This weekend I  have had a fair amount of time to myself, and it was the just the way I wanted it.  Despite the fact that I was “riding solo”, I made quite a bit of public outings; the gym, the park, the neighborhood bar to take in a delightful mimosa and download some music and podcasts.

While on my outings, I became hyper-vigilantly aware of the men around me. The lack of companionship I had granted me the opportunity to take note of something that has always been happening around me, something I did not find quite so comical until now, male sound effects. Men, also riding solo make sounds that could come from no other sex. They come in a variety of tones, intensity and timing that it something I feel completely unique to men though I would not be as so bold to say these gems don’t come from a woman from time to time.

The Gym

This place is a gold mine of awkward grunts and I’m pretty sure orgasmic noises. Those really huge muscles builders? Watch them, they are pumping 300lbs, breathing all hard n' shit, then the second they throw down that barbell like a piece of ham hock they just ate the shit of, they release what sounds like the most over the top post sex exclamations. “ Uhhhhh, oooooooh, ohhhhh sooooooooo gooooood. Uhhhh....Whoa……” Followed by more labored breathing. They have no shame in this. Why you ask? Because those guys could eat you grandma for breakfast if they were not on a steady diet of muscle milk, wheat grass smoothies and whole fucking chickens. Those guys don’t care what comes out of their mouth after they have lifted more weight than you probably ever will be able to and it’s hilarious, because as you watch it go down, you can almost see through those gritted teeth-- that he is imagining he is fucking his own ego and the aftermath is oh so delightful.

The other gym noises I hear a lot are the short painful, not as satisfying grunts. These happen during the entire duration of a set, rather than that post workout orgasmic sound. If you have ever watched Wimbledon or the US Open you are probably familiar with these sounds as they are often referred to as  tennis grunts. “Uhh! Ehg! Ahh! Urg! The come and go depending on  if your weight load is coming up of down, whether it is your return to hit the ball, etc.  These guys, a step down from the muscle buildings, don’t give two shits if you have to stand by and listen to their labored noises, you know why?  Cause this is THEIR time god dammit! Those kids? They are in mutha fuckin’ day care downstairs, this is Daddy time! This is the time they get to feel like they are not suffocating from their necktie, or swimming in handy wipes, or going to Lowe’ every other god damn weekend cause the garden does not look as good as the neighbors, this is their “feel like the mutha fuckin’ shit time and the rest of you can go to hell!” Frankly, that find with me. Grunt away, it still does not mean I’m not going to giggle under my breath.

The Bar

Ah bar sounds effects of the American male. These noises primarily are coming from a sports bar, or really any bar where there is an important sporting event is going on. The teamsters and the fans, from obsessive to fair-weather gather to collectively yell as players who will never hear their criticisms. But who gives a shit right?  They say to the world, “Let’s make everyone else in this bar feel uncomfertable for having a real  conversation with someone who is right next to them  and not 3000 miles away on a diamond making 30x what I make. Remember, dude, they are there to play sports for money, not suck your dick and make you feel better for buying that really expensive Mets satine jacket. Theses sounds effects are at least a little more expressive than the gym ones. “What are you doing!” Oh fuck not to that guy!” “Get him outta there!” “Are you kidding me?”  “What the fuck was that call!?” “Go go go go go baby go!!!” Really? “Go baby go?” Last time I checked Derek Jeter was not your girlfriend. I know you want him to “score” but let’s refrain from the “baby” talk. After all, I think there are enough ass slaps running rampant in professional sports to satisfy a lifetime of masked homosexual , under-toned comments.

It’s okay guys, carry on like no one is listening. But we are, and judging. MWA HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!