Behind the Velvet Merkin

 While I would like this particular post to sound all scholarly n’ shit, I am not writing my thesis, and this opinion is supplemented merely by my own personal knowledge of the history of “ladies of the night”.

Last night as I was out with some of the girls I mentioned that I was watching the first season of Games of Thrones. I had read the book as well as my friend, who made the comment that she thought that the show was “over-sexed.” This is often a common complaint I feel when it comes to shows on HBO and other networks of its kind. HBO, Showtime, etc. are not held to the ridiculous rating standards of the MMPA who think it’s more appropriate to have someone watch a bloody decapitation than an intimate love scene between a couple.

Bottom line it got me thinking of this phrase, “over-sexed”. Obviously my friend meant in her comment that gratuitous sex scenes took away from the main story line to try and win viewers with skin. I on the other hand went directly to the historical context. Game of Thrones is shot in essentially a medieval time period, where pretty much if you where a woman you didn’t have that many “job options.” I think sometimes people forget that your options for activities back in the day were fairly limited to work, reading (if you could), dancing around the maypole, hunting (if you could), and drinking (except the monks). This left ample time for sex. People were as faithful to their partners as Rush Limbaugh is sympathetic towards liberal politics.  Sex was and even previous to that time frame was and had been a big effen deal.  The Roman Empire was famous for its brothels, bath houses and prolific use of women as sex slaves. It was a business much like it is today but far more common and in a way respected. Selling women was on par with selling spices.  An example of oversexed Romans can be seen being executed very poorly in Caligula, do not czek this out unless you want waste 3 hours of your life watching Malcom McDowell sodomize someone with a Crisco fist.

Take another show from HBO not that far back in time, Deadwood (RIP!). One could argue that this show was also very over-sexed as the main location of the show was Al Swearengin’s whore house and some of the main characters prostitutes. The 1800’s saw a great deal of advancements for women, prostitution became more regulated and the job itself now carried more risks with the introduction of sexually transmitted diseases centuries earlier. But once again you need to look at the context of how it is being portrayed and whether or not it becomes gratuitous or necessary to complete the vision of re-crating a time period. A Wild West town, Deadwood South Dakota was filled with shady characters and prolific drinking. The circumstances and characteristics of this location are, I think, inherently prone to enjoy, embrace what have you, sex, free sex, sex you pay for, whatever.  Essentiality, If you want to make your “period” show believable you’re going to need to show some skin.

Oversexed is a more deserving term for modern movies. Comedies such as Super Bad, Road Trip, Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, (really any movie where the main characters goal is to get laid) exhibit the true qualities of what the phrase is about, people that are obsessed with obtaining it, not people that are already doing it.

In conclusion (yes, the most overused essay closer ever!), I think…..oh fuck this conclusion you already read what I wrote up there! You get the point! I have always wanted to say that at the end of a paper J

Snooki is Knocked Up So Let's Throw Down!

This week US Weekly broke the news that everybody’s favorite drunk midget, Snooki, is pregnant. In an even more bizarre state of events, most of Americans seems to be acknowledging this as “real news” rather than another link in the shit show chain of reality TV events that really are not that trivial. Remember that time that one guy who shot himself who was a husband of some rich women who was famous for being a bitch? Great me neither cause it’s not like it’s totally out of the ordinary for suicidal people to kill themselves or for drug addicts to go to rehab or a drunken person to talk shit or for sexually active people to have babies! Right? I decided to get behind the scenes of what it really means to be Snooki. I sat down for an exciting interview with everybody’s favorite hot mess of the boardwalk, Nicole “Snooki” Somereallyitaliansoundinglastname.

Me:  Ms. Snooki, thank you for being with us, I know it must have been hard to pull you away from that fishbowl AMF.

Snooki: I don’t do that no more. I’m really excited for this new chapter in my life.

Me: Yes, you have a baby on board. I know I, and America, have a few questions about that.

Snooki: That’s what I’m here for!

Me:  How to you except  to teach a child to talk when you somehow have a hard time speaking like anybody other than a 5 year old who just caught stealing cookies from the jar?

Snooki: Alls I know is that I was born this way and I’m proud of who I am and by fiancé Jionni’s loves me just the way I am.

Me:  Yes, your “fiancé” Jionni, can you give us a rough figure of how much he was paid to be your boyfriend? I’m sure the producers of your show had to fork out a pretty penny for someone to put up with your neediness.

Snooki: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Me:  (long pause, stares adamantly) Are you drunk right now? I mean, it’s okay if you are, we are very accepting here, we even had Newt Gingrich here once and he is a total tool, worse than your Jersey Shore roommates.

Snooki: I have found it very easy to stop drinking, I mean I had to cut back a lot for my diet, the one I was on before I was pregnant.

Me: You mean the coke and grapefruit diet?

Snooki: Like Coca Cola?

Me: Nevermind.

Snooki: Partying is behind me, I’m focusing on my new Show with Jaywow and my relationship with Jionni.

Me: You know your new show is going to me boring as hell if you’re not humping fake plants, getting arrested and falling down drunk talking shit about sand crabs all while getting punched in the face, right?

Snooki: Look, I know I gots fans, they love me no matter what I do and mes and Wow's show is gonna be different, nothing like the Shore.

Me: I noticed lately that you have traded in your signature “hair bump” for a more natural look.

Snooki: Yeah, it turns out teasing your hair is really bad for the baby.

Me: Um…and where did you read that?

Snooki: In this new book I gots, “What to the World Expects You to Do When you are Famous and Expecting” I heard Beyonce called it her bible when she was pregnant with Blue Ivy.

Me: Great you said that stupid babies name! Now I have to pay ten grand in royalties!  Thanks a lot Snooki.

Snooki:  What did I do?!

Me: Nevermind…do you have a name picked out?

Snooki: I was thinking something high fashion like, Juicy or Ed Hardy or maybe something classic Italian like Donatella or Caponiana

Me: I am already feeling sorry for this child.

Snooki: You know your kinda a bitch

Me: Does that mean you wanna pound some Patron and slap fight till I pull your extensions out?

Snooki: Peace out, I got publicity photos to take of me rubbing my belly all nurturing n’ shit.

Me: Thank you for your time, as I’m sure your time in the spotlight might me waning.

Historical Bummers a/k/a The History Channel's Spank Bank

Sorry for the hiatus gang, it has been a crazy past two weeks!

I have been doing that thing called “reading.” Perhaps you have heard of it, maybe you are even doing it right now! Congratulations you have put forth effort into your life! Speaking of life, I recently was sucked into reading another book concerning the events of World War II (“WW2”). I know, I know as if the history channels boner for Hitler was not enough I will now indulge you with my review of a quite lovely little book called City of Thieves.  I’ll try not to give too much away if you plan on maybe reading it.

Those of you familiar with WW2’s vast history expanding thousands of miles understand that sometimes it is hard to find a good historical fiction book on WW2. They are often overwrought with historical details that can take away from what the focus should be, the story of the people that survived or did not survive the atrocities.

City of Thieves is written by David Benioff who is probably most well know for writing the book The 25^th Hour which we also wrote the screenplay for when it was turned into a movie starring Edward Norton. This movie was the shit, czek it out if you have not seen it. Benioff’s day job is a screenplay writer which I think always translates well into dialogue and character development in novels. City of Thieves is very character driven, an attribute that is accredited by the fact that the two main characters are on a dangerous journey which always translates well into bonding/witty banter.

The story centers around Lev, a fifteen year old boy who has stayed behind in Leningrad as the Germans loom nearby. He is thrown in the local jail after looting a dead paratrooper’s body and meets his companion for the rest of the novel, Kolya a deserter of the Red Army. Lev wants to prove he is a man but throughout the book realizes that he is anything but and ends up becoming one anyway with the help of Kolya.  Kolya is often described as tall fair and handsome, he is brash and book smart in way that Lev hates but embraces as they head into their adventures.   It is obvious that Benioff was stretching for a reason for the two to embark on their journey. The reason, if they do not find a dozen eggs for the Colonel’s daughter’s wedding cake in 5 days, they die. It was a little too cutsie for me but I knew it was not going to be a “big picture” plot device but rather the MacGuffin, an element I have often seen used in other books, TV shows, and movies, most recently used in Winters Bone.

At about 250 pages it was a quick read which is nice after attempting to read the monstrosity that is Clash of Kings (800+). The book plays nicely with various locations and supporting characters. Our “heroes” get sidetracked along the way. We get introduced to a cartoony, stereotypical German Villian, a big , scary as shit high ranking a-hole who enjoys killing people in fucked up ways who of course holds the secret to our heroes salvation. It was characters like these that were off-putting, not because they were bad guys but because they were in the story in the first place.

Despite its flaws, overall I liked the book. Benioff writes with fluidity and charm and his characters are likable and his story arc was well done. If you are looking to feel accomplished you can read the book in about a week and feel like you would have something to say afterword about it. It makes you think, but not that hard and sometimes that’s okay with me.

The Hardy Boy

I have temporarily moved on from my Michael Fassbender fascination to a new man. I’m movie cheating on Fassbender with Tom Hardy, probably most memorable to some as the Eames from Inception. This week I watched two movies starring the Brittish dreamboat set to appear next in the action/romantic comedy, This Means War with Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine (totally not as dreamboaty).  I watched two movies where Tom plays characters that are angry/violent and slightly charming in a fucked up way, but both very different. Both Roles required him to put on like 50 pounds of muscle but his general charisma onscreen trumps his hot  oily muscles and shines in both Bronson (2008) and in Warrior (2011).


BRONSON:
Bronson is loosely based on the true life of one of England’s most violent prisoners, Michael Gordon Peterson who after being told by a boxing promoter that his real name was not good for his image, suggests changing it to American film badass Charles Bronson.  By being one of the most violent prisoners, Bronson has spent pretty much his entire life in prison. What is interesting is that the crimes he committed while on the outside were petty thefts. It was his infractions while incarcerated that landed him in solitary confinement for over 30 years.  


The narrative style of the film uses voice over and intermittent interviews with Bronson and depicts scenes of what might be going on inside his head to showcase the complete lack of desire to lead a “normal” life. It’s easy to assume that he just has anger issues and just wants to beat the shit out of people because he does do a lot of that in the film. However there are moments sprinkled throughout the film that show a glimmer of a man attempting (poorly) to live outside prison stagnant environment. These parts are where the movie shows its dark humor, watching Hardy portraying a man so obviously trying to control his body while trying to give a girl a ring he stole is priceless!


The movie never really digs deep to show us why Bronson is the way he is but showcases moments from his life that end up (bottom line) defining what and who he is, one crazy MF, but a fun one to watch. Another favorite scene of mine is when he takes a guard hostage in his cell and begins to rub butter all over his body so that when he gets ready to fight the 6 or so guards that come to save the hostage he is too slippery to get control over. The butter scene I think is a metaphor for Bronson entire life. No one is in control of him according to him but unfortunately the cage and cement cell he perpetually lives in says otherwise.


WARRIOR:
I guess there is “Filmaker’s Guide to Location Scouting” book out there somewhere and the chapter on Boxing and MMA( Mixed Martial Arts) movies says, “ If you do not shoot a movie of this nature on the East Coast, preferably, Boston, Philly, New York  or New Jersey than it will suck.” Warrior is the story of an estranged family of two bothers and an alcoholic father (The “Filmaker’s Guide to Casting” also says if you need someone to play your alcoholic father you’re up shit creek if you can’t get Nick Nolte).  Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton play Tommy and Brenden Conlon (Irish much?) Tommy is a war hero and Brenden is a physics teacher and through various unfortunate circumstances and scowling at each other, the two end up training to be a part of the world’s biggest MMA competition (like a UFC) called “Sparta.”  Brenden does it because he has to, because those pesky mortgages can really sucker punch you when you least except it and Tommy does it because he is harboring a great deal of anger over what happened to his marine friend back in Afghanistan and cannot let go of the fact that his big brother abandoned him when he and his mother attempted to escape the alcoholic dad. These family tid bits are not told to you right away, rather they are subtly revealed through the entire film so you don’t really realize the fucked up nature of the estrangement until later on in the film and I appreciated that. It always nice when a screenwriter/director trust the audience to figure some things out for themselves.


There were for sure a lot of boxing moving stereotypes in the movie but they just swapped out the boxing for MMA. Over all I think it was actually very moving and I really bought the characters and what they were going through. I’m not going to reveal the climax but the end was very good and there is resolution that comes in a way only two guys trained to fight their whole lives can understand and its kinda some moving ass shit. Hardy, as I mentioned plays the strong silent type but once again is so good at conveying vulnerability through his facial expressions. I’m stoked to see him in more stuff.


I recommend both these movies if you’re in the mood for watching people get beat up by Tom Hardy.
P.S. He is also playing Bane in the new Batman (Sqweekkk!!!)

Will You Be My Roman Pope?

I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little bit when I stepped out of my apartment January 3rd to see that the world’s grocery and convenience stores had quickly moved on from their three month old Christmas decorations to the red hearts and chocolate menageries of many single peoples least favorite holiday, Valentines Day. Normally I fall into the category of people that see this holiday as being a horrible reminder that you are still single. I still do but I can’t be a total pessimist here as I have had a few nice V-days….one year I even got flowers and almost shat twice and died from shock ( If you’re a man and reading this girls still love to get flowers so stop pretending like its old fashioned and your above it).

In honor (or dis-honor) of what many believe to be a holiday created by greeting card companies (because really how do we get chocolate and hugs and kisses out of a martyred Roman Pope?) I have listed a few things I have always enjoyed doing on February 14th. 

Make Other Couples Feel Uncomfortable

How do you do this you might ask? Simple! By bringing to light the issues in their relationship they are too scared to discuss by doing it yourself! 

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

• Platonic friend of the opposite sex, preferably also single

• A semi-fancy restaurant where  “real” couples will be dining

• An ability to probably not care that you are about to make a scene

• Theatrical training (not really but have some drinks to make you think you can act)

THE PLAN:

Go to a restaurant that has a bar. Sit there. Order some drinks, pretend like you are on a date. Order another round of drinks. When you are almost done with your second drink start a “fake argument”. This will ultimately end in the girl storming out of the bar. Male will pay bill and follow girl after at which point he will rehash to girl all the awkward looks and stares and sympathy pep talks he got from the bartender. The fight starts out slightly quiet but ends with one good semi-loudish, “I knew this was a big mistake!” or “ I can’t believe you are doing this to me on VALENTINES DAY!” or the ever classic “Who the hell do you think you are?!”  Plan a sore subject ahead of time to re-hash in public and make that one couple doing way too much PDA wish they had stayed at home.

Hunker Down with Bruce n’ Friends

Nothing makes you forget you have not gotten laid in months quite like machine guns and flying body parts and F bombs and explosions. 

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

• A “good” action movie like, Die Hard or Rambo or some other awesome shit from the 90’s.

• A “not so good” action movie like pretty much anything with Chuck Norris or Steven Segal, Delta Force or Lone Wolf McQuade or Navy Seals.

THE PLAN:

Grab you r buddies and go buy a shit ton of cheap beer and grab a few bags of extra salty chips so you feel nice and fat the next day. Pop in your first movie and create a drinking game. Did Bruce just say some cheeky line directed at a Superior officer? DRINK! Did Chuck Norris just roundhouse kick someone in the face? DRINK! You get the idea…it will get funnier the more empty beer cans are surrounding you.

Create the ultimate chocolate experiment laboratory

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

• Chocolate you can melt down and dip shit into (white, milk, dark or all three)

• Friends who like to experiment with weird food combinations

• Anything you are not afraid to put chocolate on (or are afraid and it might turn out to be awesome!)

THE PLAN:

It’s pretty straight forward, hang out, drink wine and see what things actual taste good covered in chocolate. Things in the past I have used include gummi bears (so good), grapes (the verdict is still out on this one) and potato chips (yes!) Things that I would like to try would of course be bacon, maybe a celery stalk with peanut butter and maybe even steak bits (I remember maybe doing this camping once and it was not that bad but I need to re-try). Go chocolate hog wild. Bon Appetit!

The Hippie Trust Fund Project

Some of you may have seen the billboards around town for the Glowing Greens, an indoor, black light, pirate themed miniature golf course. I used to love miniature golf when I was younger and in my older age have been hoping that an adult themed miniature golf course would occur in Portland. However the Glowing Greens did not meet my grand expectations but rather made me feel like I was in some uncle’s tiki bar basement from the 60’s but with some mechanical skeletons n’ shit.  Looks like somebody’s parents set up their kid for success after their grow operation was discovered and landed them in jail for 20 years. Bummer.

My first mistake was forgetting that black lights are inherently linked to hippies and in general “good vibes, man” and “groovy parties, man.” Upon entering the underground black light extravaganza I first had to adjust my eyes. Then I was noticed all the employees wearing tye-dye, probably because it “looked radical, man” under the light. Then I heard the music… of course it was reggae. I was slightly worried. When I asked if they had beer, I was informed “no” in the way that people that never drink beer feel proud to tell you. Bummer.

I knew the experience was going to be slightly campy. While the whole joint was universally pirate themed, each hole had its own thing going on. They all had a name, one was even named after a Styx song, (Sail Away!). The others were standard pirate fare, “Skeleton Reef” “Skull Cavern” Jungle Fever” “Blue Tiki” and the ode to the Discovery channel’s favorite week, ”Sharks Rule!”  I appreciated the love that went into decorating the place and making it unique, but at the same time I found myself having to hunch over a lot to do a thorough inspection of each hole to make sure there were no surprise hills. Oh all the holes had plenty of angels, outlined but one of the five colors that look good in black light, but the fact that in general the course was dark, made it slightly challenging. Did I also mention it was annoying that there was no beer? Bummer.

The whole thing took about 45 minutes and the whole time I felt kinda cheesy, but in a good way. Was I glad I at least tried it out? Sure, it was slightly nostalgic but I’m still looking for the miniature golfing gold at the end of the rainbow, a place where kids are not allowed, they serve beer and there is actually a place to set it down while you play. There needs to be different course options so you come back, there needs to be….regular light! I’m just glad there was not a strobe light, otherwise that place would have a serious problem with seizures. I think in the meantime I will just stick with Edgefield for my golfing needs. There is even an outdoor miniature golf course somewhere in Happy Valley, but that means you actually have to drive to Happy Valley? Bummer.

Glowing Greens 509 SW Taylor $9 per person for 18 holes. Get drinks before.

Mittens Aint Got Nothing on Me

With the GOP race looking grim for Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, another candidate just does not know when to say enough is enough. I recently sat down with this self proclaimed “eye of the tiger” to further explore his campaign strategy and to know the man behind the man who is Newt Gingrich.

Me: (In the Style of James Lipton): Mr. Gingrich, thank you for being here, may I call you Aquatic Salamander?

NG: Why would you call me that?

Me: Ah I see you do not prefer the literal meaning of your god awful name.

NG:  Newt is short for “Newton.”

Me: Ah of the Fig variety? A favorite cookie of senior citizens the world over.

NG: Perhaps we should talk about the upcoming primaries I have a killer plan for Super Tuesday.

Me: And I think you have the face of super serial killer but that is beside the point. Yes, your plan of attack seems to be to simply attack Mitt Romney, the man you just whopped your ass in Florida.

NG:  I don’t look at that loss as a negative; I try to focus on the positive, like my victory in South Carolina.

Me: You mean the state that still thinks the confederate flag should fly above the state capital? Yes, the people are totally sane in that state. You have also recently been endorsed by fellow nut job Herman Cain. Do you admire his support?

NG:  I admire any support. Look, I know what this country needs, we need focus on the economy.

Me: Unfortunately that word “economy” has been weighted by arbitrariness, as every one of you republican yokels has some sort of “sweet-ass” plan to fix the economy. If you really want to fix the economy, just give everyone a check for 10 grand and they will probably stop their bitching…for now.

NG: That is a band-aid approach I see being utilized by both our current president and my main competitor, Mr. Romney and I simply think we need to open the gates for discussion as to the long –term plan for financial stability.

Me: Just like you wanted to open the gate of your marriage for more pussy? Really Mr. Gingrich, it looks like your face has been sucked into the middle of your head…did you really think getting a mistress would be THAT easy? I know prostitutes, good ones, are not cheap…

NG: I refuse to trash talk my ex-wife nor engage in any conversation related to our relationship.

Me:  Then it sounds like you have a communication problem.  How to you expect to effectively communicate with foreign leaders of the world if you cannot even be honest with your own country?

NG: This is completely unrelated to politics.

Me: Not necessarily. Polls have shown that conservative voters prefer a candidate with a strong family base. Mitt Romney has been married to his Sister, ahem, excuse me, WIFE since high school and they have a family full of near –do-wells. You have been married THREE times. If you can’t make a marriage work how can you expect to make your sham campaign work?

NG: Hard work and dedication.

Me: Don’t forget denial and vindictive tactics.

NG: Yes those to.

Me: What is your plan in Nevada?

NG: Oh probably do a little gambling, and little light dining.

Me: I meant your campaign. The Nevada primary is this weekend.

NG: Oh! Yes, sorry I was too busy thinking about what an effen baby I am.

Me: You and everyone else sir. Thank you Mr. Gingrich.