Why TLC is The Best Thing For Your Ego

I used to have cable. It was awesome. Now I have You Tube. It is more awesome because it just showcases the “best” of what is happening on cable. I have known  for awhile now that the network calling itself, The Learning Channel (TLC) is anything but substantial material worth learning. What it does teach you is to how to NOT be a number of things and in that process allows you to self reflect, “Jesus Christ at least I’m not that person!” Below is a list of 20 things on TLC, or as I will now call it Train wrecks Living out Craziness, that you should be thankful you are not. If you are I’m sure they are accepting application for a new show, probably called, “I didn’t know I was a 1,000 pound man with triplets addicted to eating soup cans.”

1)      Carrying around your husband’s ashes, and then eating them

2)      Bound by god to reproduce yearly until you have 20 children

3)      Bound to your bed because you are 600+ pounds

4)      Pregnant, but did not know you were until you went to take a dump in the middle of the woods.

5)      Can’t stop eating cheesy potatoes and have only been eating cheesy potatoes for 30 years.

6)      Taking 250 laxatives a day

7)      Can’t resist the urge to eat dryer sheets wrapped up in toilet paper

8)      Spend 8 hours a day couponing so that you have get a sweet ass deal on 500 tampons

9)      Can’t walk through your living room because you just can’t throw away that TV guide from 1998 and those garbage bags filled with empty plastic Easter eggs

10)   Are neglected by your husband so you spend all your time making your 3 year old look like a hooker

11)   Bound by god to be wife #4  and if you drink caffeine or alcohol you will explode

12)    Are a New Jersey Gypsy with a diet coke and salon problem (aren’t gypsies nomadic?)

13)   Have an enlarged liver because you can’t stop wolfing down  plastic cocktail swords and water bottles

14)   Can’t throw away the cat poop because it fills the void your Dad filled when he was alive

15)   Getting kicked out of Fred Meyers because other people need to buy hamburger helper besides you

16)   Bath in bleach because it smells so dang good and makes you pure

17)   Are so vain you are only getting married for the wedding dress ,  because you will actually never love someone as much as you love yourself

18)   Bound by god to have awful polygamist hair

19)   Love the fact that you moonlight as an adult baby, mostly so you can piss yourself

20)   Take away your daughters pageant trophies because that blue ribbon for excellence in math you got in high school just does not cut it anymore.

He Has the Schwartz

I have always enjoyed Jason Schwartzman’s subtle acting style. One of Director Wes Anderson’s stock players he has showcased his acting chops in movies like, Rushmore, his breakout role and more recently in HBO’s Bored to Death. In the past few weeks I have discovered two things, one being Board to Death and the other being Schwartzman’s one man band called Coconut Records. While I’m sure many of you already know the joys of Bored to Death or maybe Coconut Records, this is for those who don’t have HBO nor knowledge of good shows that never get the publicity they deserve.

Board to Death starts out typical, Schwartzman plays jilted boyfriend who gets all emo, questions life, and whines about writers block. The twist is that he picks up a copy of a Raymond Chandler novel and decides that in his spare time he will moonlight as a private investigator, unlicensed of course.  While Schwartzman is great as Jonathan Ames, his character only really becomes unique through his supporting cast. Ted Danson plays George, Jonathan’s boss at a generic version of GQ magazine. Danson is essentially doing Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock but not as confident. Jack Donaghy is not as reliant on Liz Lemon as George is on Jonathan. In fact their relationship is a type of role reversal of a father and son, with George constantly calling Jonathan for help for all sorts of kooky occurrences, one being where he asks Jonathan to punch him in the face so his gigantic herpes sore does looks more like the result of a fight than unfortunate sexual encounter. The other is Zack Galifinakis as Ray, his best friend who is in a weird co-dependent relationship with his girlfriend that involves him constantly indirectly asking for sex. His banter with Jonathan is priceless, “What do you mean you don’t know what a falcon hood is?” Jonathan’s moonlighting as a private detective allows for other characters to supplement the chemistry between the leads and explore what  are probably things real people would call a private detective for (Not all crime is a glorious and ridiculous as portrayed on  CSI: NY CSI: DES MOINES CSI: FARGO etc..). The running time is perfect, a half hour time slot. An hour might be a stretch for the content but damn, I could watch those characters interact for a while.

I came across Coconut Records on the Yeasayer Pandora station one day. The song was West Coast and it was effen amazing. It made me feel nostalgic, happy and glad to have come across a great new band. I instantly created Coconut Records Pandora station which continued to play excellent songs that reminded me of summers past.  A song’s hook, and or chorus if you will are very important, but so is that occasional point in a song that is lightly completely different from the rest of it and this band had it down. I decided to investigate the bands origin on Wikipedia only to find out that it was just Jason Schwartzman.  “Really? Just him?” I was in shock but was able to instantly create a new found respect for that short actor in all the Wes Anderson movies. There are currently two albums out, his first outing, Nighttiming and the newer, Davy. If you looking for some new music check out Coconut Records, they totes have “The Schwartz.”

Moopets and Vampires

Double feature Sunday! After eating and drinking myself silly for all of Thursday and Friday and not being able to lounge out in front of a movie, I was pining for the big screen, luckily for me it was two movies for the price of one day at the theater (this deal does not actually exist btw…) I treated myself to the Breaking Dawn and The Muppets:

Breaking Dawn Part 1:

I read all the books, so I’m pretty obligated now to see all the movies and get all judgey on their ass.  The Twilight series has been building sexual tension between Edward and Bella for three books and three movies. In typical lame religious fashion the two have been waiting to do it until marriage and in even lamer fashion, author Stephanie Meyer gave us a super lame sex scene in the book which resulted in a totally fucking lame sex scene in the movie.  For all you male boob hounds out there, I will say this, I totally caught sight of an editing error involving Kristen Stewart’s nipple (ladies you can use this information to get him to come to the movie with you!).The whole movie was pretty uneventful mostly because the first part of the book is uneventful. Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon, they do romantic stuff, Bella looks pained to do typically girl stuff and Edward gets all butt hurt that he had “rough sex” with Bella that results in a demon baby that ends up turning Bella into what looks like, well super effen gross and malnourished (great job FX department!). Apparently the birth scene is giving epileptic audience members seizures due to flashing red and black and white lights (great job demon baby!). Over all, the movie was what I expected, a lot of brooding eyebrows and one cray cray wolf fight that involved voice over, “I’m Alpha male! Don’t betray the pack!” The second part of Breaking Dawn due out next year in November will be much more eventful bringing back our pals the Volturi and even more Wolf v. Vampire fun. Hopefully…

The Muppets:

Oh how I have missed thee! I love the Muppets, always have, always will. Around Christmas time when people are watching A Christmas Story for the 100^th time I will be singing along to A Muppet Christmas Carol which is the bees knees. If you have not seen it you better hop on Netflix or go support your local video store and rent it. The newest installment in Muppetdom is Jason Segal’s love baby, The Muppets. Co-written and starring Segal , is the story of a Muppet named Walter who loves the Muppets so much, he can’t bear to have an evil oil tycoon take over the Muppets theater (the one where they did the Muppet Show of days past) and implores Kermit to get the gang back together. Antics ensue but not in an over the top spastic ADD way which is what I see whenever I stumble across a new cartoon on cable. The antics are genuine and come at the right moments. The celebrity cameos where okay, I was looking for maybe some more big names to kind of give it that “hey look who it is!” factor but toward the end all I could think was “Selena Gomez? Really?”  Chris Cooper’s villain was comic book evil which I know is what they were probably shooting for and I loved Jack Black’s part mostly because it added to that lunatic feeling one gets before performing a live show.  You know you have hit it big time when you have a tribute band and the Muppets get “The Moopets,” a hilarious group of imposters that consist of what I can only assume is a transvestite pig as Miss Piggy, an Eminem type  as Fozzie and Dave Grohl as Animal. It’s rad. To my surprise the children in the theater were calm and focused on the movie, an unheard of thing in a movie theater these days but it just goes to show you that nothing keeps you entertained quite like the Muppets.

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost

I must say it had been awhile since I have written a rant about the habits of the human male (10 years to be exact , VHS one acts 4 eva!). Since that time I have expanded my knowledge of the human male and though I have formed many  unfavorable opinions, *cough telephone etiquette cough* I have also formed many wonderful friendships and in doing so have come to a better understanding of (sometimes) what is going on in the male brain.  However, despite my many revelations there is ONE thing I will NEVER understand and it will continue to baffle me and I’m sure many other females for centuries to come.

The Poltergeist Effect : Inability to shut cabinet doors and/or push in drawers.

It does not matter what room, though I suspect the kitchen is the most frequented place of this offense, nor does it matter what environment, a man will open something up and instantly forget that he has opened it as soon as he averts his eyes elsewhere.  I will walk into room after (insert male figure here; dad, bf, roommate) has cooked something, only to find what appears to be a “Haunting in Portland.”

Cabinet doors are thrown open, drawers are barely hanging on…As I wonder into the kitchen wondering if the stove is going to explode from being left on too long, I hit my shin on the dishwasher door which has been lowered. I fall forward but catch myself, narrowly escaping stabbing myself on a knife poking out from the silverware rack in the upward direction. “Hello is…is..anybody there?” I ask worried. I start to worry whether or not I need to order an exorcism before the evidence surfaces, empty pizza boxes, a dirty pizza cutter and beer cans sitting right next to the trash can but not actually in it, it all makes sense now. I turn off the oven off and the running water in the sink, “Phew thank god I don’t need to call that priest!”

This effect carries over to the bathroom, with the most notable offence ever, the up toilet seat which most of the time I don’t mind unless there is pee on the floor (yes I know it’s SO hard to pee with morning wood, NEWSFLASH its harder to have crime scene in your pants once a month so try a little harder to aim boys).  

“Where are the car keys?” Asks male.

“Did you check the open refrigerator?” Responds female.

“Have you seen my socks?”

“Did you look in the open microwave?”

 Ah men…

Duggers Expecting Child Number 20: China Outraged!

As the sun sets on the Dugger property child number 16 looks threw his window, then down at his fingers which are bleeding as a result of being forced to practice his guitar for the family band for 15 hours straight. “My dad says god loves my music and will smite me if I do not practice.”

Just another end of another day at the Dugger Household where it was announced earlier this week that the family is expecting their 20^th child. “I could not be happier,” said the proud mother, “Now we can move 3 kids from Laundry duty out the gravel mines to chip rock for our landscape remodel in the backyard. All this money we get from TLC has sure been a blessing.”

A blessing indeed, but not for all. Members of China’s Overpopulation Commission met as soon as the news as announced. CFP Ming Yung Tong made this statement earlier today at a press junket for the Organization.

“We once again shake our head at America. As many countries struggle with overpopulation and ways to feed those that cannot feed themselves we would like to send a message to the United States. For the love of fucking god please don’t give people who don’t believe in birth control television shows. I mean wasn’t the last one born with its heart outside its body?”

The Dugger’s 19^th child was born pre-mature and was in infant ICU for weeks before   it was released back to the Duggers who then immediately set the infant up with doggie poop pick up detail.

“Everyone needs to help out.” Says Dad as he shoves Kid #1 and Kid # 4 down into the basement to clean out black widow nests. As we turn the corner into the kitchen, Kid # 10 is hovered over the sink, hands red and puckered. “How long have you been doing this?” I ask.  As she turns her head she tearfully whispers to me. “Get out while you still can!”

When Mrs. Dugger was asked if she expects a boy or a girl she laughed as she replied, “I hope God just does not let this one slip out of my vagina too early and that has all her limbs intact..We  have a big attic remodel coming up and need all the  helping hands we can get.”

Why Gregory Peck? WHY!?!

For those of you that don’t know I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to certain actors and writers. The movie, Beloved Infidel (1959) combines two of my favorites, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Gregory Peck. This movie should be IT for me, my raison d’etre, but unfortunately after a viewing last night my heart sunk as Gregory Peck paraded around like a butt hurt 11 year old after dodge ball and Deborah Kerr sounded like the most stuffy 90 year old British nanny (I think my ears bled a little).  The film centers around Fitzgerald’s 3 year relationship with Hollywood gossip columnist Sheilah Graham (his death marked the end of their relationship). He carried on with Graham while Zelda was institutionalized and it was during this time that Fitzgerald was trying his hand at screen writing while attempting to finish his last novel. The film was based on a book by Graham who would later go on to write two more books about her relationship with Fitzgerald.  The following are my 2 main problems with a movie that I think needs to be remade without the constraints of 1960’s censorship.

1: There is a huge difference between portraying an alcoholic and someone who is “just drunk.” More often than not, alcoholics are high functioning (as was in Fitzgerald’s case).  When not in social situations (parties) they will try hard not to let on that they are totally shit faced. Fitzgerald was known for his socializing and drinking though I hardly think he would walking through an airport swinging around a bottle of tequila as was shown in the film. Peck played Fitzgerald as a drunk not an alcoholic. There are perfectly good examples of alcoholics on film from Leaving Las Vegas to The Lost Weekend, both of which (I think) showed an accurate version a man on the verge of collapse, something Fitzgerald was as he tried  to get his writing career back on track. The over the top drunken antics coupled by Kerr’s over the top reaction, “Oh Darling, No! Oh Darling, stop! Put the bottle down Scott!” was too much for me and I felt like I was wafting through a stinky Douglas Sirk reject.

2: Fitzgerald it 10x more interesting than Graham and should have been the main focus of the story. Yes I know the story was by her originally, but the only reason she was able to get it published in the first place is because her lover WAS Fitzgerald. Graham was the 3^rd and probably most lame member of the Hollywood gossip columnist trio that also contained Louella Parsons. The story focuses on how Fitzgerald helps her become a better writer rather than focus on both their faults and how, potentially, the combination of the two could result in a glorious fucking meltdown.  I wanted to see more struggle with Fitzgerald, particularly his ongoing depression over Zelda despite the fact that he is seeing Graham. I’m still enraged over the fact that the last part of The Last Tycoon was ghost written by one of Fitzgerald’s editors and I have a sneaking suspicion that Graham had something to do with it.

Over all I guess what I’m trying to say is I want a REAL Fitzgerald bio movie, not a bit part as was seen in Midnight in Paris or for another remake of The Great Gatsby, but an honest to god kick ass picture, hold the Sheila Graham.

Twice is Plenty

Well, it’s safe to say I was extremely unproductive this weekend mostly due to a little thing called, “day-drinking.” On the surface day drinking is awesome. Your beverage selection is tip top, Bloody Marys, Mimosa, Greyhounds, Various coffee/liquor concoctions. Day drinking says, “What? It’s the weekend, I do what I want sucka!” Those familiar with day drinking are also very familiar with the pre-mature hang-over. You get home, grab a bottle of water, and flop on the couch mumble something along the lines of “I feel like shit.” You look over at the clock and its 4pm. “What the? Four?”

This Saturday I went to The Farm House on 82^nd. Twice. Once for Brunch and once for Linner (please don’t mistake the frequency with as strong like for the food fare and environment). This was due to day filled with kickball spectatorship of which heckling would be necessary and Mimosas and Blight (Bud-Light) a steady accomplice. The Farm House is great for Brunch if you don’t want to wait in one of Portland’s re-fucking-diculous brunch lines. It’s got greasy good, stiff drinks and lots of other interesting  supporting characters playing video poker (by themselves), pool (by themselves) and/or an unnecessarily large version of some golf game(by themselves). There is a giant ceramic Jack Daniels statue by the fireplace that I once mistook for Teddy Roosevelt. Maybe they are brothers from another mother….

Brunch was standard fare of one biscuit (ahem, DINNER ROLL) and gravy with eggs and bacon. I was outraged to not receive my favorite morning beverage (Bloody Mary) in a pint glass but in one of those lame ass bucket glasses of which my waitress assured me was “almost the same amount of liquid.” I smiled and nodded but seriously…message to all bars in Portland...BLOODY MARY IN BUCKET GLASS= TOTAL, UTTER BULLSHIT TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE. Don’t act like it will get you in trouble either, if 90% of bars are doing it, it probably won’t get you in trouble though I think the Farm House’s main concern is giving up to much of the precious Monarch Vodka (gross).

After yelling at my friends all day and watching drunken kickball antics ensue it was back to the Farm House for more (and my car). This time around I treated my kidneys to the saltiest damn French dip sliders ever. When I got home I think I drank coconut water, vitamin water and two bottles of regular water and I was still thirsty. At least my hang over had passed on by 8pm and I was able to watch half of SNL. Thanks Saturday.

Drive Me Into That Sweet Hot Pink Credit Sequence

I finally fulfilled my movie theater dream last night and went to see Drive. It was everything I dreamed of. When the credits rolled I felt like I had truly had an experience. What is also funny is that I immediately thought what people who did not like the movie were probably thinking, “It was too slow! Why don’t we ever get to know his name? Why aren’t they talking more?” What those a-holes probably will never realize that those so-called “bummers” are inherent to the story as a whole.

In typical American short story fashion the movie ends unresolved. Occasionally this bothers me, but in this film it felt completely necessary,  as was the deliberately slow pace, and lack of information which added to the allure of Ryan Goslings character and even more so made you empathize with him when he had one of his moments of emotional breakthrough whether  that be happiness, rage or panic. Once again Ryan Gosling fucking knocks it out of the park. Everything he does is subtle and effortless. The man can do no wrong.

 Rich colors and shadows add to the tense moments. Director Refn utilized slow motion scenes in the film that were punctuated by 80’s synth. The marriage of the two gave those scenes a music video quality, and I say that as a good thing. Just as a music video (sometimes) attempts to make a song come alive so to speak, the music in Drive is its pulse, and it acts as a beautiful buffer to those moments where there is not a lot of dialogue.

The driving sequences and the killing scenes were also masterfully done. I will not give away who dies or how they die but I will say is that I’m so glad the Driver is remorseless. He has to be, otherwise those times when he shows his “softer side” would seem worthless and his character void of any depth.

I guess my only issue was Carrie Mulligan. Her character, Irene, was totally necessary but I did not buy her as that person. All I have to go off of is her performance in An Education, which was wonderful but here her attempt at mousy single(ish) mom needed to pop more in a movie; but one could also argue that she needed to be the beige anchor in the sea to make all the other fish stand out.

A lot of other reviews have said that Drive has noir quality to it and I completely agree. It has the standard elements, the girl that gets everyone in to trouble, the big bad guy, his henchmen and the sidekick to the hero who is just the right amount of quirky. The color added so much to the atmosphere of the film, but I have to admit that I am kinda interested in watching this film is black and white to see if it can hold up to the true characteristic of noir, and that is the noir.

Please go see Drive. But if you were one of those people who went to go see The Tree of Life just because it was “the new Brad Pitt movie,” stay at home and watch Big Momma’s House or some other idiotic crap. Drive is genius.

Nathan Fillion's Smirk Wins Again

I’m pretty sure when Nathan Fillion was handed the script for Castle he creamed his pants a little bit. Like Mathew McConaughey, the man has single handedly nailed down “that one character that kinda works in everything.” I re-watched Serenity last night, one of the few Sci-fi movies I actually enjoy. While snickering at his spot on one-liners, it dawned on me that this is the place( rather firefly) where Fillion perfected his “I’m kinda witty, devil may care, goofy yet slightly handsome” persona that he continued to mold in Slither, Waitress and now in Castle, a show I really want to try to watch but am somehow  severely put off by the overused cop/unlikely partner scenario. However, I am glad Fillion was able to find another TV vehicle after the cancellation of Firefly.

Just now I went to scope out his IMBD profile and the smirk on his face just melted my heart! Damn you Fillion why are you so damn likable! In fact he just upped his likability factor by apparently having a role in a revamp of Much Ado About Nothing. Fillion doing comedic Shakespeare? You’re  killing me Hollywood! Now I have to go see that because I have been entranced by Fillion’s smirk! Shit now I HAVE to watch Castle..shit maybe I’ll just go rent the first season. I’m worried though that this show’s main demographic are ladies over 50 whose other favorite TV fare includes Matlock, Murder She Wrote and Perry Mason…screw it I want to see Fillion and McConaughey in a smirk off..Fillion would totally win.

Fight Scenario:

McConaughey: “Screw you Fillion I do serious shit! I do period pieces and lawyer roles!”

Fillion: “BFD! You can’t even smirk in roles like that!

McConaughey: “Hell yes I can! Didn’t you see my sweet ass smirk in A Time to Kill?”

Fillion:” No I didn’t see that shit cause I was too busy being bas ass on the set of Firefly!”

McConaughey: “Well I make more money!”

Fillion: “Well I have longer arms and I don’t let photographers take pictures of me doing Tai Chi on the beach with my shirt off!”

McConaughey: “Well…um..you..

Fillion: “Five words, bitch…Highest…rated…Monday…night….show…

(Fillion smirks hard at McConaughey, McConaughey faints, Fillion victorious)

“Hallie Puts Foot in Kim Kardashian’s Brave Face in First Post-Divorce Public Appearance”

“I’m so sorry that you are going out and being forced to promote you crappy hand bag line!” screamed enraged anti-fan Hallie Zmroczek as she attacked the so-called reality star this Wednesday. The scuffle which broke outside of some important looking place caught Papparazzi and Kim K. fans off guard was just one of many obstacles the “star” would receive that day. A frightened onlooker painted a gruesome picture.

“Yeah this blonde just started yelling things like “get a real job” and “what the fuck are you famous for again?” I was kinda scared but I hate to admit that it’s kinda true.”

Hollywood is pretending to be surprised by the pairs split after only being married 70 something days and wasting tens of millions of dollars on what this reporter deems, “the tackiest god damn wedding I have ever seen in my life.”

Organizations like UNICEF are baffled that media organizations give more press to soul-sucking, brainless yahoos like Kim K. instead of focusing attention on,oh, I don’t know water that is contaminated by viruses and bacteria? Somewhere in Africa Angelina Jolie is throwing a shit fit over what financial analysts care calling, the biggest waste of money in history.

After the crazed anti-fan made her point she rallied the most level headed-people she could, picked up her bullhorn and said, “We are off to E! Studios to picket and demand the removal of Keeping up with the Kardashians from its programming schedule and to kidnap Joel McHale because he is hot!” (insert battle cry here)

Don't Quote Me

Since my brain has decided to function at a low level today I thought I would let other people do the talking.

Enjoy, as I did finding them...

“Tomorrow we may die, so let’s get drunk and make love!” –Lois Long, The New Yorker

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

–Ernest Hemingway

“Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”

-Ingrid Bergman

“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.”-Cary Grant

“Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.” –D.H. Lawrence

“By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.” –Oscar Wilde

“I think I don't regret a single 'excess' of my responsive youth - I only regret, in my chilled age, certain occasions and possibilities I didn't embrace.” –Henry James