Adventures in "Bating" (Bad Online Dating) Part 1

As some of you may or may not know, this past January, after I was dumped on New Year’s Eve for apparently being an aspiring yuppie who watched too many movies on Sunday, I decided to,  once and for all try my hand at online dating.  My foray lasted 3 months, a self imposed timeline I gave myself to see if all the hype was true, or if the nightmare was in fact a living one.


Since then some of “you” have mentioned that I should/should have blogged about it a la SJP in Sex in the City, cause let’s face it, I’m way funnier than Carrie Bradshaw. At first I rejected the idea, but now in retrospect I realize that I was afraid of hurting the feelings of people I was never going to see again and frankly that was retarded of me. So without further ado, here is my rundown  in three parts by month, of the shit show that is online dating.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.


Part 1: January


I pay for Match.com, why? Because for some inane reason I feel that if you have to pay for it that means it has higher quality or something like that? Right? Oh was I wrong….


I realize right away that men opt for “distant body shots” rather than close ups of the face. Why is this troubling? I want to see if you have bad teeth not a reverse mirror shot of your abs taken with your iphone. 


I put a height restriction on my profile. This does not stop short dudes from leaving super inappropriate pleas to get me to talk to them. “C’mon baby, height doesn’t matter when we are lying down in bed together!”  I don’t respond to these because I am too busy trying to get the puke out of my mouth.  Additionally, I also  thought I would save myself the headache of  responding to emails of people I don’t think would be a good fit for me (People are alerted when others view their profile)by not replying at all . Apparently this is just an atrocity because I get more emails with gems like “All peak and no speak?” Really Dude? Do you really want me to send you a rejection email? I think the fact that I did not respond is obvious enough but if you really want me to put into words how I really disliked the fact that you have been divorced three times and how I think it’s really tacky that your main photo is you pursing your lips on your Ducati then yes, I will waste 5 minutes of my life making you feel like shit.


I go on two dates with a guy named “Boyd.” Boyd is nice but I lead all the conversations. He smiles and nods a lot, I feel like Fran Dresser, all aggressive n’ shit. He is a truck driver so he is out of town two weeks a month. I see that this is probably why he has a hard time meeting chicks. I’m not really that upset when he does not call again though he did have some good stories about prostitutes running back and forth at truck stops holding their high heels. He assured me he had never been with a prostitute because after hearing shit like that, I had to ask.


I go on one date with a guy named “Floyd.” Floyd and I email quite a bit before meeting, he sounds smart and witty but I’m worried that all of his photos are “distant body shots.” On the day of our date I check out the website where he is a sports writer because I’m stealthy like that.  I see a closer up photo, I’m now slightly worried. Upon meeting him I see that he has fibbed with about his height. He is not awful looking but he has extremely feminine hands. We have nice time but I feel like if I ever hit his hand too hard they would shatter all over the floor and frankly, porcelain dolls have always given me the creeps.


I go on one date with a guy named “Lloyd.”  First thing out of his mouth is “wow you are tall!” I will continue to hear this over the next few months which frightens me because apparently I am going out on dates with people that do not know how to read. I have a nice enough time with Lloyd. He is kind a geeky but handsome, he is from Wisconsin and I try REALLY HARD not to make fun of his accent. He unfortunately  has also fibbed a bit about his height. Lloyd wants to get crunk so we do, he buys me beers I cannot possibly finish on a Wednesday but its a fun night nevertheless. I go home after but we never talk again.


At the end of January I am feeling slightly good about this online dating thing. Sure nothing has worked out yet, but the year is still young right? We will find out how wrong I am, next time on Czek This Shit Out!
Stay tuned for Part 2: February—oh la la!