Welcome to Part Deux of Bating! An exciting adventure through the trials and tribulations of judging people based off a series of boring and inane questions! Do like Dogs? Yes! Thumbs up! Do you have Dogs? No… Thumbs down !
As I enter into February, I am still on Match.com. While in January I was more passive and waited for people to message me, I decide to take a new approach of contacting people first. This is when I get my first taste of online rejection. I write to a few choice hotties looking all adventurous n’ shit , but alas, they too are “all peak and no speak” to quote short butt-hurt guy from last month. While I think that I have a great deal in common with the contacted hotties, I come to the conclusion that I have a deal breaker in my profile. Are you ready? I DON’T SNOWBOARD! I know right? Someone better take me out back and shoot me because HOW can I live in Oregon and not live to jump out of bed at 5 am every fucking weekend, drive up a hazardous icy road, spend 200 bones on lift tickets, water resistant puffy pants and god knows what else just to put myself in a situation where I could potentially suffocate to death in an avalanche? Then drive back down that frigid windy, slippery as fuck road that no doubt has 1,000 foot cliff drop off to one side with no guardrail? Nah I’m cool, I’m from the desert yo! Don’t judge me!
Part II: February
I go on two dates with a guy named “Larry”. I like Larry, he comes from a similar situation— we both ended relationships at the beginning of the year and figured, hey why not jump back into the dating scene rather than eat ice cream and Cheetos in the dark while simultaneously crying to Meat Loaf and Journey songs (CHOKING HAZARD!). We have a great first outing. I actually get compliments! For those of you men unfamiliar with the word “compliment” Websters defines it as formal or respectful recognition. Try it out sometime! Larry and I go out on second date and have another great time, “Wow” I think, “this could be fun!” But oh oh, Larry falls ill with Imayhavejumpedintodatingtoofastocondria. I tell him we can take it slow, that we are by no means in a relationship. Unfortunately this worsens his condition and he falls ill with Iforgothowtousemyphoneitis, a very common sickness in men scared to death of commitment. Therefore, Larry and I did not work out. Damn and he was hot too! Oh well…
I go on a date with a guy named “Barry.” Barry and I actually talk on the phone a few times before we set up a meeting. This is unheard of these days, you know, real phone conversations that last longer then , “Hey. What time? Okay. Bye.” He sounds unique, but his schedule sounds a little crazy. We meet up for a happy hour on a Friday. Dang he is hot too! Two in a row? Too good to be true? Yes unfortunately. We have some great conversation, he tells me he is slightly embarrassed to be doing online dating which is understandable; I am too to some extent. We have two drinks then he announces that he as an early Saturday and he needs to go. I stand up, “Wow you are tall!” he remarks but probably not in a good way. I know this is not a good sign. He walks me to my car, I go home way too early for a Friday. The following week I ask if he would like to meet again and the text I essentially get is “I want to focus on work and exercise and am not really interested in doing this whole Match thing. I’m going to move back to Alaska.” My mind immediately points to my online dating flaw, the snowboarding! I said I didn’t snow board! I let the guy repellant slip! I say nice meeting you. The next month I get my “daily matches” and he pops up on there. Not into Match anymore huh? Glad I did not go out with that liar again.
I go on a date with a guy name “Perry.” Perry only has one picture on the site, but it looks decent enough, plus it says he is like 6’5. YES! We exchange a few texts and agree to go out for a beer. All I gotta say is I’m real glad I had just come from a party where I had had like 6 mimosas cause Perry’s picture did not include one thing that was very apparent on him in person. HIS HUGE ASS 1920’s BARBERSHOP QUARTET MUSTACHE! Which would have maybe worked if he were wearing hipster clothes, but he was wearing like ,jock clothes! It was the epitome of “one of these things is not like the other one, one of these things does not belong.” We had a few beers, he ordered two dinners, not because he was fat but because apparently he still eats like a growing teenager. He can actually hold a conversation which is nice but I’m too focused on the delicately beeswax soaked curled ends of his ridiculous facial hair. I call it a night at 9 p.m. , cause let’s face it, I have been drinking since 11 a.m. and I don’t actually want to convince myself that kissing him would be a good idea because his manicured face drape would probably rip my mouth off. I don’t call him again.
At the end of February I am feeling a little defeated. I only have one more month left on my self-imposed Bating deadline and so far it turns out people are kinda untrustworthily b-holes. But I still keep the faith alive. Little do I know March has all kinds of weird shit in store for me!
Stay tuned for Part III: March, where you get to learn all about “International Week”!
No comments:
Post a Comment