Another season of America’s most fraudulent way to find love
is upon us, yes the Bachelorette has started! As with every season, the ladies
and I join together to heckle and judge the shit out of every contestant and of
course, the Bachelorette herself. Emily Maynard looks like a Barbie Doll so I
can’t wait for her to lose her shit on one of these guys. By the looks of them,
the new contestant standard for the show is that your neck needs to be twice
the size of your head.
Last night was the second episode of the season and “Team
Wino” was in full form. Typical show format has us viewing two one-one dates sandwiched
between the oh so awkward group date, where everyone smarms and hisses at each
other in an attempt to impress Emily whose favorite saying is, “I’m so excited!”
but said in the most non-amused dullsville way possible.
Last night Emily choose to go on a one-on-one date with
Gerber (real name, oh shit I forgot to care!) We originally started calling
Gerber, Baby Hair because we were all severely perplexed by the shape of his
head and as to why his hair looked so fucked up. We were all pretty bummed that
Emily had a nice time with Gerber. Gerber loved the shit out of his date because
he got to eat cookies and slurp on juice boxes cause what Gerber Baby would not
like that?
Next up was the group date which consisted of about 15 of
the guys hanging out with some of the Muppets to do a show to raise money for
some foundation , for now we will just call it “Children’s Sickness Foundation”
and no that is not a branch off of NAMBLA. One of Team Wino’s least favorite
contestants , Carmex (Kalan) was of course not on this date as we are sure that
helicopter riding male Courtney clone will be getting some one on one action
soon. It’s okay though, he got a
pretentious fatherly lecture from (Dead) Shark Eyes aka Doug “I’m the Single
Dad so I’m better than all of you.” Shark Eyes eventually layed off Carmex
mostly because the glare coming off Carmex’s botoxed lips was too blinding for
Shark Eyes tiny pupils to handle. I’m glad someone is keeping Carmex in
business. ANYWAY back to the group date where sweet as pie Charlie admitted to
Emily that he was deathly afraid of public speaking (STUTTER ALERT!) We think
it is a result of traumatic brain injury he talked about in the first episode.
He is just a big softly with a heart of gold and a face full of metal. Then there is this Stevie guy who is so
unappealing we does not even deserve one of Team Wino’s sweet nicknames. If the
Situation and one of those girls from Jerseylicious had a baby and that baby
took a shit, that shit would still be more appealing than this Stevie guy.
Overall the group date as not as awkward as we all hopped.
Emily’s next one on one date was with Joe. Joe did not get a
nickname either mostly because he could not put a finger on who the fuck he
looked like, all I could see was a whole lotta neck. He got sent home pretty much because he did
not blurt out “I want you to have my babies Emily!
Later on for the final mixer before the rose ceremony Emily
made skater boy Yeph (Jef) open up a bit and he got a rose, another thing this
guys needs is stop styling his hair like Tilda Swinton. Yikes! Gerber wrote
Emily a sappy seven page letter that he made her read out load right as
Beavertron (Tony) walked into the room. That shot was totes AWKWARD! But he
stuck it out and looked around nervously like he was actually masto-ing to the
whole thing quietly in a dark corner. He is also getting brownie points from
Emily because he is also a single Dad but not nearly a big a dick as Shark Eyes
is.
In a devastating turn of events Emily sent home one of our
ponies that we picked to win, the hot science teacher (Aaron) I think it is
because she did not like his hipster glasses. Its okay Aaron come to Portland,
ladies be on that hot nerd shit here like washed up bachelorettes on Bartells
and James.
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